


Barely Breathing

by warriorlid14



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 15:17:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3072662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorlid14/pseuds/warriorlid14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I just don't think it's fair to just leave everyone who cares about you behind. Just because you like to pretend that you're alone in this and that nobody but Rachel loved you doesn't make it true."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

"Ellimist!"

Leaves crunched beneath his bare feet as he stomped through the forest ground. Thorns and sticks poked his skin. He was bleeding a bit. He didn't care.

"Ellimist!" His voice was demanding, filled with rage. "Come out, you coward!"

The only response he received was the sound of branches swaying in the air. The sun was out, and the sky was full with cumulus clouds. It was a perfect day to be happy. A perfect day to fly.

He wasn't flying anywhere anytime soon. "ELLIMIST!"

There was nothing but silence. In a fit of anger, he brought his fist up in the air and swung it on the nearest tree with all his might. He heard something crack, and there was a sudden throbbing in his hand. He didn't care. Nothing compared to the pain he had just endured.

"Damnit, Ellimist! You owe me!" The wind picked up in response. He cursed loudly and slammed his hand against the tree again. He kicked it again and again, making himself bleed more profoundly and providing splinters to last a life time.

"Bring her back! Bring her back!" His whole body trembled as grief threatened to take over. "Damnit," he whispered, when he realized that tears were falling down his face. "Damnit."

"Ellimist!" he screamed one more time, his voice shaking with emotion, before giving up and crumbling to the ground in a fit of sobs.

"Please," he begged between his cries. "Please, please, please, please, please, please..."

What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to live? It had barely been a week and he couldn't function properly. How was he supposed to survive the rest of his life without her?

"Oh God," he said as another wave of sorrow hit him and he curled into a ball in an attempt to shield himself from the agony.

He didn't even try to get up or move a muscle. He was too week. "You owe me," he whispered, addressing the Ellimist once again. "You owe me, you..." He was interrupted by another sob. "Just bring her back. Bring her back. I- I'll do anything. I-"

He moaned in distress, foolishly hoping that the semi-omnipotent being would come to his rescue. But he didn't. He didn't even show up.

Even then, Tobias didn't get up. Instead, he whispered, "What am I going to do?"

...

((Tobias! Tobias, please come back! I just want to talk to you!))

It had been like this constantly for the past month. Ax, or Marco, or Cassie always came, spending at least an hour screaming for everyone to hear. They had even scared away some of his prey, much to his annoyance. Jake never came. For this, he was glad.

((Look, I know it's hard! But we miss you! We're your friends!))

Couldn't she understand that he didn't want to speak? That he couldn't force himself to speak? That maybe he just wanted to forget?

((And anyway, Rachel would not have wanted to see you this way!))

A flash of boiling anger hit him, but it just as quickly turned into hollowness. Sadness. That deep ache in his heart that he desperately wanted to get rid, and he deflated, tired.

((Tobias, please!))

Had he been human, he would have covered his head with both hands and tried to squeeze their voices out. But he wasn't. He was a hawk. And with Rachel gone, he would be until the day he died. He hoped it would be soon.

((We care about you!))

She would leave soon. Her two hours were almost up. Then, if he found the energy to do so, he might even hunt today. The hunger was starting to make him weak, anyway.

((We just want what's best for you!))

 _Then why don't you just leave._ There was a moment of silence, and for a second he was afraid he had spoken out loud. But he hadn't. Cassie had just dived to the floor and started to demorph.

He was hidden well enough to be out of Cassie's sight, but from where he was, he could still get a perfect view of her face. Of the concern written there. The worry and grief. For just a second, he considered calling out to her to tell her he was fine. For just a second, he considered morphing human and hugging her.

But he didn't. And within a few minutes, she had already re-morphed and gone, leaving him alone with the forest as company.

...

_"_ _I love you."_

_His breath stopped. She was right in front of him, only a few meters away, with her back turned to him. But it was_ her.  _Alive and beautiful and whole._

_"_ _I love you."_

_Her long, golden blond hair fell down her back in ringlets. She had a simple, yellow dress on and she was barefoot. He took a shaky step towards her._

_"_ _I love you."_

_He was only a feet away from him now, and he was sure she could hear his strangled gasps and heavy breathing. Still, she didn't turn._

_"_ _I love you."_

_He couldn't believe this was happening. That this was real. She was alive! She was_ alive _! He reached out to touch her, barely holding himself together. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to just feel her in his arms. To make sure she was real and that she was his again._

_"_ _Rachel, I-"_

_Finally she turned. He could see the flower crown on her head now. The loving smile on her face, and her tender eyes. She reached out her hand to touch him._

_He jumped back, pulling his arm back and screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed. For her face, once beautiful and flawless, was rotting. Her skin was peeling, falling in chunks down her face, like fast forward leprosy. Blood was streaming down her forehead like a waterfall, and he could see the white of her skull. And the stench... He gagged._

_"_ _Noo!" he screamed. "No! No! No!"_

((No!))

He awoke with a start, nearly flying off his perch in fright, only to find himself surrounded by a blanket of darkness. With his sharp eyesight, he could discern the stars above him and the dancing branches. The leaves rustled in the wind. He heard the sound of an owl hooting in the distance, and he suddenly remembered where he was.

((No,)) he groaned. ((No.))

It was like this every night. He would wake up thinking everything, even Rachel's death, was a simple nightmare only to discover that, while her rotting face certainly was, she was really gone. She was really dead.

He could still smell the putrid odor, and he had the urge to throw up. He was shaking, but definitely not from the cold. Why couldn't he get some decent sleep? Why couldn't he just forget? Why couldn't he just retreat into his hawk self without worrying about the pesky, miserable, frightened little boy returning?

He wanted to cry. He wanted to just morph human and cry. Maybe he could find Ax, or Cassie, or maybe even Loren to just hold him while he wept and told him everything was going to be okay.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He wasn't human anymore, and hawks didn't cry. If he did that, he would never be able to rid himself of Tobias the boy, something that he needed to do if he wanted to live off the rest of his days in peace.

 _But would it really be so bad?_  a voice in his head asked. He was not doing any progress as it was, and he had not morphed human, or anything else, in over a month. Would it really be so bad to just cry one last time? Maybe it would be better, even. Maybe, if he let it all out, he could lift some weight of his shoulders. And just maybe, this might help him let go of his human self once and for all.

He almost flew out of his perch and morphed, but he didn't because he knew that if he started crying now, he would never stop.

...

He stood outside her door and tentatively knocked on it once. After two minutes of waiting, he figured she probably didn't hear, and knocked again, louder this time.

He had already been to the old Hork-bajir Valley to look for her, but of course, she wasn't there. Nobody was, Hork-bajir or human. He assumed they had relocated after the war, but he had no idea where. Maybe he would ask her if, no  _when,_  she opened the door and let him in.

"Hey, what're ya doin' here?"

He turned around to see a man, maybe in his late forties, standing on the sidewalk and holding a bottle of alcohol in his hand. He was clearly drunk, his words slurring and his eyes red. Tobias wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Are you a reporter?" Tobias looked down at himself, barefoot and in spandex, obviously wearing the perfect attire for a reporter. "Because she ain't in there, ya know. I heard she moved to another state." He took a chug from his bottle as he said this.

Tobias froze for a second at his words. She couldn't have left, could she? It had been two months since he'd seen her, but she couldn't have left. Surely she would have gone looking for him before. Surely he would have heard something by now.

"Thank you, sir," he called out sarcastically, his voice raspy. "I'll keep that in mind."

The man shrugged. "Suit yourself."

He watched the man go halfway down the street before returning his attention to the door. He knocked again, harder. He waited a few minutes, but nobody came out.

He began to panic. Maybe she wasn't living here anymore. It made sense. This neighborhood was rotten. Nobody would want to live here. Especially not now when she had gotten her vision and health back. So, maybe she had moved to another house. She was probably somewhere else in the city. Somewhere better. She couldn't have just left him here. Not again.

He almost turned around and left, but instead opted in turning the knob. The door was unlocked, so he opened it. "Loren?" he called as he stepped in.

The living room was deserted. There was nothing there to show that anyone was living there. No couch. No TV. No small stand. "Mom?" he called out shakily, closing the door behind him. He checked the kitchen. Nothing. No plates. No forks. No other utensils. No food. No chairs or dining table.

"Mom? Mom, it's me, Tobias. I came back."

He ran upstairs, checking her room. Nothing. The restroom. Nothing. The closet. Nothing. "Mom!" he yelled. His voice was trembling now, choked with emotion as the truth sunk in. There was nothing! Nothing and nothing and nothing! The house was empty, uninhabited.

Tears threatened his vision, and he leaned against the wall. His breaths were coming in strangled gasps, and he bit his lip to stop himself from screaming. She was gone. She was really gone. She abandoned him,  _again._

He screamed and punched the wall. "No! No, no, no, no! Stupid! I'm so godamn stupid!" Tears were running from his face freely now, but he didn't care. Everyone! Everyone left him! Elfangor, Loren, Rachel... Didn't anyone  _care?_ He screamed again and punched the wall until his hands bled, until there were red stains on the wood. Then, he fell to his knees and broke into inconsolable sobs. Just like in the woods.

He wasn't being fair, and he knew it. He couldn't have expected her to stay and wait for him. She had to move on and remake her life, to start fresh. But he just... He just, couldn't... He needed somebody. Somebody who didn't bring back memories of the war, good or bad. Somebody who was supposed to love him unconditionally. Somebody who was supposed to be there for him, no matter what. He wanted his mother. He  _needed_ his mother. But as it turned out, she didn't need him. Maybe she didn't even want him.

He tried to get up, but he just fell back down again. He tried to stop the tears, but they just kept flowing. Coming here was a mistake. He should have just stayed in his meadow, where at least he had his hawk self to shield him from the pain. Or at least numb it a bit.

Even after he stopped wailing and shaking, he didn't move. He didn't know what he was expecting. Maybe for her to show up. Maybe for Loren to just materialize out of nowhere and embrace him. But she never did.

...

He retreated into his hawk mind after that. It was just like after his first kill all over again. He wasn't aware of how much time passed, or where he was, or what he was. Tobias the boy didn't exist anymore, at least not often. It was just the predator now, the one who didn't care about sadness or grief. The one who didn't remember betrayal, old friends, lost family members, or the ghost of a reckless smile and fierce eyes. All the hawk thought about was the next meal or the occasional intruding bird that he had to chase away. The hawk was the one who was in control. That was the way it was supposed to be.

Sometimes, however, a small voice screamed in the background. A cry of a little boy who the world forgot. The hawk was a bit confused by this, but it ignored it for the most part and went back to his usual routine. There were other times, though, when in the middle of the night the hawk would wake up with a screech, suddenly terrified for no reason. It was then when Tobias made an appearance again, when the human was suddenly aware of his surroundings and all the suppressed memories came rushing back, and he wondered when he would be able to let it all go, to just finally be able to surrender to his predatory instinct indefinitely and never return.

Of course, this didn't last long, and by the next day, the hawk returned and took the reins again until the teenager returned, and the cycle began again.

...

Nearly a month later, Ax was calling his name again in the middle of the woods. Cassie and Marco had given up already, but Ax still showed up once or twice a week, so hearing him wasn't a surprise.

What was a surprise was seeing him in his natural body instead of in the northern harrier morph he used to try and track him down. It was useless, of course. If Tobias didn't want to be found, he would not be found. Simple as that.

Another difference was that Ax had come while Tobias was in one of  _those_ moods. Tobias-the-kid had resurfaced and the hawk was left flummoxed as this unpleasant emotion called sadness engulfed him. It was in those moods that Tobias seriously considered just flapping his wings as hard as he could, flying as high as he could, and just plummeting to the ground once and for all. Maybe the pain would end then, and he wouldn't suffer anymore. Maybe there was an afterlife and Rachel was waiting for him. Or maybe he would go straight to hell. And if he did... oops? He honestly didn't think life could get any worse.

((Tobias, please. There is something I wish to speak to you about.)) Ax's voice snapped him out of his depressing thoughts. He seemed desperate, and Tobias knew that whatever he had to say, it was important.

He made no move to get off his perch.

((Tobias?)) Ax looked around hopefully, his stalk eyes darting back in forth trying to catch sight of his friend. A couple of minutes later, he slumped a bit in defeat and let out a resigned sigh. ((I guess you are not coming again,)) he said.

He started to walk off, and without thinking about it, Tobias glided down to the ground and began to morph. At the sudden noise, Ax whipped his head around and watched in awe as his  _shorm_  and nephew emerged in front of his eyes for the first time in three months.

When his morph was complete, Tobias simply said, "Hey, Ax-man. Long time no see," in a hoarse voice.

((Tobias...)) The affection in Ax's voice made Tobias's eyes well up with unshed tears and he launched himself at the Andalite, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Even though he thought his arms would break under Tobias's strong hold, Ax still closed his eyes and embraced his nephew, relief of finding him flooding through his veins.

Tobias started to weep again, but this time, he wasn't alone. Ax didn't say anything. He just held him and stroked his blond hair as he cried.

Ax walked them over to a nearby tree to lean on for support as Tobias still clung to him. He continued to hug him until Tobias's loud sobs were reduced to sniffles, and then he said, ((I missed you.)) At this, Tobias began to cry all over again, but Ax never let go.

"Okay," Tobias said after a couple of minutes. "Okay. Okay, I'm-" He let out of a few shaky breaths. "I'm okay," he said and disentangled himself from Ax's arms. "I'm okay," he repeated, trying to convince himself more than Ax.

((I'm glad I found you,)) Ax said, but his eyes were sad.

"Yeah, me too," Tobias said with a small smile. He was wondering why he hadn't done this before. Why he hadn't just let himself be found. He was still sad, yes. The sorrow hadn't left. But he felt... better here with Ax, knowing that there was someone there to support him.

((I'm glad I found you,)) he repeated. ((I'm glad I found you before...)) his voice trailed off, and he looked down, appearing nervous all of a sudden.

Tobias looked confused. "Found me before wha- oh," he said, as he realized what Ax meant, and his heart sank.

"You're leaving." It wasn't a question. His voice was flat.

((Yes,)) Ax said.

Of course he would leave. Everybody left. He suddenly felt like throwing up, and he turned his head away, willing himself not to start crying again.

((I won't,)) Ax continued, ((if you do not want me to. I will stay with you, if you wish.))

Without thinking about it, Tobias said, "No."

((What?)) Ax asked, confused.

"No," Tobias repeated. He sounded confident, but inside he was screaming at himself to shut up, to let Ax stay. "Ax, I can't let you stay here with me. It's always been your dream to become a Prince and I can't take that away from you. Besides, you have to go back home to your parents." Just because  _his_  parents didn't care didn't mean Ax's didn't.

After a few seconds, Ax said quietly, ((Then come with me,)) then added after a pause, ((I do not want to leave you alone.))

Without hesitating, Tobias responded, "Okay." He would have been offended at Ax's comment before, saying that he was fine on his own and that he didn't need anyone. But that wasn't true anymore, and they both knew it.

Ax's eyes lit up, but then Tobias added, "Not now, though." At Ax's confused face he said, "I will go, but not now. I..." He looked down and took a breath. "I need to pull myself together first. I don't think I want to pull a scene like this in front of the other Andalites," he said, referring to his mental breakdown. "Besides, you should probably give your parents a heads up about the whole Elfangor thing." He didn't think his parents would react too kindly if they knew Elfangor had had an illegitimate child. And, oh yes! He was from another species.

((As you wish,)) Ax said, though he sounded a bit deflated. ((But Tobias?))

"Yes?"

((You have to promise me that you won't hurt yourself.))

"What?" Tobias asked, shocked that Ax had said that, and a bit of anger seeped into his voice.

((I am serious, Tobias,)) he said with a stern voice. ((I want you to swear to me that you won't hurt yourself. That you'll try to move on.)) At Tobias's silence, he said a little more desperately, ((Please. I'm not telling you to become a human  _nothlit_  or to contact the others if you have no desire to do so, even though I highly recommend you to the latter because they are worried about you. But you cannot continue to live like this. You cannot completely isolate and lose yourself!))

After a pause, Tobias agreed. "Okay," he said. "Okay, I promise."

Ax smiled at him. ((Good. I will come back for you, then. Now... I would love to enjoy one last delicious cinnamon bun before I leave. Would you care to accompany me?))

Tobias gave a weak laugh and wrapped his arms around him again. "Thank you," he whispered. Then added, "I love you, Ax."

And he did. Ax was his best friend. His uncle. The only family member that still cared about him. He was always looking out for him. Besides Rachel, he had kept him sane during the war and had understood him in ways not even she could because they were both the outcasts of their group. And now, he was probably the person that mattered most to him.

Ax hugged him back. "I love you too, my  _shorm_."

...

The next few weeks were spent getting in touch with humanity again. He didn't talk to anyone or morphed human, though. Instead, he flew around the city and retook one of the few hobbies he had during the war: people watching.

Of course, now he wasn't trying to look for new Controllers since everybody had been freed. Now he was trying to re-accustom himself to humans and remember how to act like one. He was planning on talking to Cassie and Marco to reassure them that he was fine. He just wanted to do it without breaking down in front of them like he had with Ax.

His favorite place to be in was in the park, where everyone was calm and peaceful. Usually he would perch on the tree on top of a bench where people would often sit down and read a book, and then he would read over their shoulders and distract himself for as long as they stayed. Once or twice he had managed to read an entire book instead of just a few pages or a few chapters.

However, when he flew by the city, sometimes he stopped outside of big shops with glass doors. Sometimes they had TV's exhibited and sometimes they had the news on. From what he had gathered from the TV and snaps of conversations he had caught, the other Animorphs were quite busy.

Marco had just signed a contract to help some director with a new Animorphs TV show. Like if he needed a daily reminder of the atrocities of war. Cassie was helping the Hork-bajir with some legal stuff to protect them from poachers and from the press along with Rachel's mom. He made a mental note to visit Toby and the others soon. Jake... Well, he didn't care to find out about Jake. And anyway, his face didn't appear much on the camera much to the media's disappointment.

Tobias had also heard much about himself. There were rumors that he had morphed human permanently and was hiding out there somewhere. Others thought that he was dead and had committed suicide. Still, some idiots out there believed that there was no Tobias. That there never had been and the other Animorphs had made him up. Like if the press didn't have footage of him coming out of the Pool Ship that fateful day.

He rarely saw anyone who looked depressed or sad over the terrors that had occurred during the war. The people had moved on. Tobias expected to feel upset and left out over this, but he didn't. He was relieved to know that people were still able to carry on and that there was a world outside of his misery.

...

He sat alone in a table for two, nervously darting his eyes around the foot court. He took a small sip from his Starbucks's Frappuccino (double chocolaty chip) and let out a small moan. It had been forever since he'd had chocolate.

The people around him chattered noisily, all lost in their own little worlds. Nobody paid any attention to him. Nobody would guess that this thin, blond, seemingly shy teenager was actually the famous Tobias, the lost Animorph. That was okay with him. He never liked the spot light, anyway.

It had taken a whole lot of convincing to persuade himself to actually come to the mall. It had taken even longer to find clothes since the old mall where he kept his clothes had been destroyed during the war. He'd had some stashed in the construction site, but that place was off limits because it was being reconstructed into a memorial. There was no way he was going back to Rachel's house for his third set of clothes. In the end, he'd gotten some of Ax's clothes from his now abandoned scoop. He'd also collected some scattered chain to pay for the drink.

The mall was packed. It had been a while since he'd been a part of civilization, so the cramped space bothered him. His hawk instincts, which he had even in morph, and his own natural claustrophobia made him a bit jumpy and anxious to leave. However, he told that part of him to shut up and ignored it. Overall, it was actually kind of nice.

His eyes focused on a parent who was having trouble with his child. The toddler was clinging to his leg, begging him to take him back to the candy store, and the father was desperately trying to calm his son down. Tobias smiled a bit, and told himself,  _This isn't so bad,_ before freezing in his spot.

His eyes had locked on a new target, two teenagers about his age who were kissing by the fountain. They looked nothing like him and Rachel, and besides, they weren't much for PDA. But still, his blood ran cold and he suddenly felt sick.

He quickly stood up and almost tripped over the foot of the table when he ran to throw away his half-empty drink. He rushed out of the foot court and past an elderly man who called out to him, "Son, are you okay?"

He ran into the nearest restroom which was surprisingly empty and slammed the door behind him when he went into a stall. He fell to his knees and threw up. Even when he was done, he still dry heaved into the toilet.

His hands were shaking and his breaths came out in rapid gasps. Tears suddenly threatened his vision, but he refused to let them fall. He leaned his head back against the wall and he wrapped his arms around his knees.

Silently, he cursed himself for being so weak. How was he supposed to move on when he lost his composure for something as simple as that? If he reacted like this when he saw two teenagers, who had no connection to him or to the war, making out, how badly would he fall apart when he met up with Marco and Cassie again, who actually reminded him of Rachel?

"I can't do this," he whispered. "I can't do this." He dug his nails into his arms as a way to stop himself from crying. "I can't. I can't."

...

On Rachel's birthday, Tobias made sure to be at the cemetery at 12:00 in the morning sharp. The cemetery was closed, so he had eight hours to mourn Rachel in piece.

When he got there, he immediately morphed human and sat down next to the memorial, laying his head against the tomb. "Happy birthday, Rach," he whispered and didn't say anything else. Rachel's body wasn't there, of course, but it was the best place to properly mourn her.

He didn't cry. He didn't think he was capable of shedding more tears. Besides, if there  _was_ an afterlife and Rachel was watching him, he knew she wouldn't like to see him cry. Instead, his mind wandered off to the last time he saw her before her death. The last time he was truly happy.

_"_ _Rachel, shouldn't you be saying goodbye to your family instead of talking to me?" he said as his beak turned into a mouth. She had caught up to him and practically begged him to morph human._

_"_ _Yeah. But I wanted to talk to you first. You know, just in case something goes wrong tomorrow." She flashed him a smile, but he knew her well and he knew that something was up. There was some uncertainty in her face._

_"_ _Don't talk like that," he said quickly grabbing her cheek. "We'll be fine. We always are." Anything else was unthinkable._

_"_ _Yeah." She sighed and leaned against his touch, wrapping her arms around his waist. "We either die tomorrow or we win."_

_"_ _Hopefully the latter," Tobias said. "Has Jake talked to you, yet?"_

_Rachel stiffened a bit, but she instantly relaxed. "Yeah, he did," she said a little sadly._

_He knew not to pry. Jake had given them all instructions privately, so nobody knew the entire plan but him. Tobias knew that it was for the best. If any one of them was caught, the Yeerks wouldn't know enough information to stop the mission. Still, Tobias couldn't help but worry about Rachel even though he knew that Jake would never endanger her if he could help it. The thought of losing her was unbearable._

_It was that fear that had led to his decision, and he said a little nervously, "Hey, Rachel? I'm going to do it."_

_She looked up at him in confusion. "Do what?"_

_"_ _After it's over. After tomorrow, I'm going to morph human permanently." His voice was a little shaky, but it was determined._

_Instantly her face lit up, but then she frowned a bit. "Are you sure? Tobias, you don't have to if you don't want to."_

_"_ _I'm sure," he said with certainty._

_Rachel still looked upset. However, he was unsure why. Wasn't this what she'd always wanted? What she'd always insisted on? "But... why..."_

_Tobias laughed softly. "What do you mean why? Because-" At this, he blushed a bit. Shyly, he said the words that he'd never been brave enough to say. "Because I love you."_

_Instantly his face was pulled down to hers and she kissed him hard, only pulling away for air. He closed his eyes and kissed her back, feeling pure contentment. When he opened opened his eyes again, however, he found that she was crying._

_"_ _Rach? Rachel, what's wrong?" he asked, panicked. Had he done something to upset her?_

_She shook her head. After a few shaky breaths, said without any hesitation in her voice, "You mean the world to me. You are the most important person in my life, and don't you over forget that. Okay?"_

_For a second, he didn't think about anything else but the magical words that she had just spoken, and a wide smile graced his features. "I won't," he said, and soundly kissed her again._

_Somewhere along the way they ended up on the forest floor. Somewhere along the way their clothes ended up on a pile next to them. Somewhere along the way when the pleasure took over his body, he realized that life was good, and that this was right. Somewhere along the way he realized that this was what the rest of his life was going to be like. No more pain. No more suffering. Only love. Somewhere along the way, he foolishly thought that he could have a happy ending._

"Oh, man," he groaned as he went back to reality and he was left with that familiar aching in his heart again. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them.

Tobias, better than anyone, knew that whenever someone was happy, life always came along and took it away. So, why had he thought that this would be different? He had been so caught up in the moment that he hadn't realized Rachel was saying goodbye.

Suddenly, he heard leaves crunching and he froze. Looking up, the sadness instantly fled and he was left with a hot flash of anger. "I thought I'd find you here," the person in front of him said.

_((Hey, Jake,)) Tobias called out joyfully as he spotted his leader walking through the Valley. Jake looked up at him and gave him a small smile. Taking this as an invitation, he flew down and perched on the branch above Jake's head. ((What are you doing?))_

_"_ _Just giving last minute instructions for tomorrow. You? You seem cheerful today."_

_((I was just talking with Rachel right now.))_

_Instantly, the smile wiped off Jake's face, and Tobias grew a bit uneasy. "Oh," he said guardedly. "What'd she say?"_

_((Umm...)) Tobias trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. ((Stuff. Nothing about the mission. Don't worry about it,)) he said quickly._

_Jake nodded, then gave him a forced smile. "Are you worried?"_

_Tobias thought about it. Then, he thought about what would happen after the war, and what Rachel had told him in the woods. Had he been human, he would've been grinning like an idiot. ((No. Not really. You?))_

_Jake gave a bitter laugh. "I'm the leader, Tobias. It's my job to worry."_

_((Hey, man. Just think, if we win this thing tomorrow, and the odds are better than a lot of our other battles, I think, your family will finally be free,)) he said comfortingly._

_Jake looked down, and Tobias could have sworn he saw a look of self-disgust on his face. ((Jake, it'll be fine.))_

_Jake looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I'm sure it will. See you tomorrow, Tobias. I got to go."_

Tobias wondered how he could have been so naive. How he stupidly stood there and comforted Jake. Jake, who knew exactly what was going to happen. Jake, who saw him happy and optimistic and didn't warn him about the horrors up ahead. Jake, who knew that the next day all his hopes and dreams would be shattered into a billion irreparable pieces and didn't say a damn thing. Jake, who he had foolishly considered a friend.

Tobias remembered what Elfangor had told him once. He said that his friends were his family now. Well, would family send each other to their deaths? Would family take away what you held most dear to you? He didn't have much experience with family, but he was pretty sure the answer was no. When Tobias broke the fetal position and looked up at Jake, only one word flashed through his mind.  _Traitor._

"Do you have any idea how wrong it is to bother someone at a cemetery?" Tobias hissed.

It was dark and his human vision was crap, but he could see his smirk. "Yeah, but this was the only place I could be sure to find you."

"Maybe because I don't want to be found," he snapped, anger seeping through his voice. At Jake's chuckle, he added, "Especially not by you."

That wiped the smirk off his face, but it returned a second later. "Typical you. Running away from your problems."

Tobias knew what Jake was trying to do. He wanted to make him mad and get a reaction out of him. Knowing this didn't stop Tobias from snarling, "Fuck you."

Jake laughed. "Sorry, Tobias. I don't roll that way."

Tobias stood up, rage drawn on his face. Part of him wanted to attack Jake right then. To rip him apart limb by limb. But he knew that he couldn't do that. Not here in front of Rachel's tomb. "You're an asshole. How dare you laugh at me? How dare you come over here and taunt me, when this is all your fault? How can you even show your face here, knowing that if it wasn't for you, Rachel would still be alive!? God damnit, Jake! She could be happy right now! We could be-"

"HEY! What are you doing here?" Sudden light blinded him, and he looked away. It was then he noticed the angry tears that were streaming down his face. So much for not crying.

He wiped his eyes and looked back. "Sorry, Jerry. I just wanted to come here before the masses did," Jake said to who appeared to be a security guard. Tobias shot a look at Jake when he said the guard's name. Just how often did he come here?

"Oh." Jerry's face lit up. "Well, I suppose I could make an exception for you, Mr. Berenson." He shone his flashlight at Tobias. "You, however, will have to leave."

"What? Why does he get special treatment?" Tobias shouted angrily.

"He's with me," Jake said quickly to avoid trouble.

Tobias glared at him. "I'm not with you, dumbass."

"Young man!" Jerry, exclaimed, shocked. "Do you know who this is?"

"Yes, I know exactly who this idiot is. And if I have to leave, then so does he. I have as much of a right to be here as he does."

"Oh? And who might you be?" the guard asked, annoyed.

"I'm Tobias," he hissed. "Rachel's boyfriend."

This revelation seemed to shock the guard into silence, and Tobias smirked. "Excuse him," Jake intervened, stepping in front of Tobias. "He's usually friendlier, but he's quite upset today, understandably so. Would you mind leaving us alone, Jerry? I promise we won't cause any trouble."

Jerry nodded, sent an apologetic look at Tobias, turned off his flashlight, and left. When he was gone, Jake looked over at Tobias, and said, "I didn't know you could be such a jerk."

Tobias let out a bitter laugh. Jake continued. "Look, I know things are rough. I know that it hurts. But isolating yourself... That's not going to help."'

Tobias leaned back against the tomb, and slid to the floor. After a few seconds, he said softly, "Do you think this is easy for me? I'm trying, okay? I really am. But it's kind of hard to move on when the only person who really loved you is gone." Tears where falling down his face again.

"No," Jake said a bit harshly. "You stop that right there. That's not true, and you know it. There are other people who care. Ax, Cassie, Marco, Toby, Loren... me..."

Tobias didn't bother to correct him about Loren, but he knew the others cared. He just wasn't about to let Jake get the last word. "I don't know, Jake. Sometimes you think that people care, but they end up backstabbing you." The pain was evident in his voice. The betrayal he always felt when he thought about Jake came back and hit him full force.

Jake knelt and tried to put his hand on Tobias's shoulder, but he shrank back. "No! Don't touch me!" He saw the hurt on Jake's face, and for an instant he felt a pang of guilt, but he shrugged it off. He wasn't the one who should be apologetic.

"I'm sorry," Jake whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God, Tobias, you have no idea how much I regret everything. If I could take it all back, I would."

"Yeah?" Tobias said a bit too harshly. "Being sorry is not going to change things."

"Tobias, please," Jake was crying now, practically begging him for forgiveness. "I never meant to hurt you or anyone, but especially not you. You have to believe me. I just wanted to end the war. I was desperate."

Funny, how now Tobias was actually feeling sympathy for his former leader. He almost forgave him, then. Almost. But then he remembered a time when the tables were turned, and it was Tobias who was begging Jake to reconsider. He remembered how he had still given the order,  _Rachel, go._ Jake hadn't even given him a second glance then. So why should Tobias spare him now?

"No. Sorry, but no. Now if you'll excuse me, would you mind leaving? I really don't want to be in the presence of my girlfriend's killer at her memorial," he said coldly.

He could practically hear something shatter in Jake. Tobias felt a kind of bad, yes, but anger was always the strongest emotion. Jake stood up and walked a few steps before stopping.

"Hate me all you want, Tobias, but it's not going to help you," he called back.

Jake morphed owl, and flew away, Tobias's gaze following him. Tobias leaned his head against Rachel's tomb again and whispered, "I'm sorry, Rachel." He stayed there until his time was almost up, then flew away.

...

Tobias sat at the the edge of the cliff, feet dangling in the air. The sound of water hitting rocks filled his ears as he looked out into the waterfall. It was about a fifty meter drop. No one would survive a fall like that. Not even him.

He played with a fallen branch and thought about what had happened the day before. Jake was wrong. Hating him, being angry at him,  _had_  helped Tobias. Now, after he had screamed at Jake and let out much of his bottled up emotions, Tobias felt empty. Numb.

He didn't even feel sad anymore and couldn't summon his grief. His heart was just a blank sheet with no emotions, and he thought that that was worse than actual melancholy.

He rested his elbows on his thighs. What was the point, really? Why was he even still trying? Why not end it all right here?

He looked down at the waterfall fall again and considered just jumping off. Would it really be so bad? He was just so tired. So worn out. Breathing, living, actually feeling something... Just existing took too much energy he didn't think he had. So why not just... stop?

He stood up, and took a shaky step towards the edge of the cliff. Another inch and he would really be gone.

He picked up his foot to move it forward, but instead he took a step back and shook his head. He sighed, demorphed, and took to the sky without looking back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

He went back to Ax's old scoop. He hadn't gone since the day he had gone to the mall and he needed clothes. The scoop held too many memories of the war that frankly he just wanted to forget. Especially after the day at the cemetery. But he supposed that if he wanted to leave with Ax to the Andalite homeworld then he would just have to deal with it.

Surprisingly enough, it was intact. None of the many hikers and campers that wandered by had stumbled upon it. Even the picture of the cinnamon bun was left untouched. Tobias wondered if the TV still had cable. After hopping to the couch and pressing the "On" button of the remote with his beak, he found that it did.

Twenty channels later he finally found a channel that wasn't featuring the Animorphs or the war or romance or bad sci-fi. It was just an old horror movie that would have been scary if he hadn't already faced all of his greatest fears and survived.

Tobias stared at the screen for five minutes and then mentally sighed and morphed human because hawk eyes really weren't meant to watch TV. Instantly, he was hit with a wave of nostalgia and he let out a groan and buried his face in a pillow.

This was stupid. He should have just left with Ax when he asked him to. Anyway, it had been almost six months since the end of the war and he still hadn't managed to pull himself together.

A small voice that sounded an awful lot like that of his old leader's told him he wasn't trying hard enough. But he was. He really really was. The fact that he was still alive proved that, didn't it?

So screw Jake for thinking otherwise and screw him for maybe being right. Yes, he was alienating himself and maybe it wasn't healthy. But Jake was the one who caused this in the first place and therefore his opinion wasn't valid no matter how right it may be. And yeah, maybe Rachel wouldn't want this for him. But Rachel wouldn't have wanted to die either.

He turned so that he was laying face up watching the swaying branches and watching the sun's rays poke through the leaves. He closed his eyes and pictured the others there. Rachel was curled up next to him with her head on his chest and her hand interwined with his. Though of course, every now and then she would lift her head to utter some witty comeback back at Marco who was perched on the arm of the couch, throwing his head back and laughing at some awkward question Ax had asked. Ax was an Andalite and was standing close to the couch, a confused look on his face as he stared at the TV. On the floor leaning against the couch was Cassie who was laughing quietly with her head on Jake's shoulder who had an amused look on his face. Yes, even Jake was there because like it or not Tobias had actually cared about the idiot and considered him his friend at some point.

Tobias had a smile on his face, eyes closed tight willing the image to be true with all his might. But of course, when he opened his eyes they were all gone and the smile wiped off his face.

He missed them. He hadn't admitted it to himself before then, but he really, really missed them just as much as he missed feeling okay. He just didn't think that he was strong enough to deal with the emotional baggage that he knew would come with visiting them. The onslaught of memories would be too much for him to handle, and he did not want to break down in front of them.

But what did it matter, really? It wasn't like if they hadn't seen him being weak before or vice versa. All of them had at some point broken down in front of the others, and not once had Tobias thought less of them because of it. And he was sure that the others felt the same way. Probably.

Tobias turned around and turned off the TV. He wasn't paying attention anyway. Instead, he returned to stare off into space and thought about hope.

.....

Cassie was in town. He knew this because he had forced himself to go back to the barn and had promised himself that if she was there, he would talk to her no matter what. And she was.

She hadn't changed much. She was still wearing a baggy shirt and too-short jeans and dirty boots, but that was probably because she currently had her hand shoved down a wolf's throat. Typical. Her hair was longer and pulled back in a pony tail and she was about an inch taller, but that was it. She was still same old Cassie.

He hesitated before talking to her. He hadn't seen her for a whole six months and didn't know what to talk about. She would probably want to talk about how he'd been doing and if he was okay and about the war, but that was exactly what he wanted to avoid. He almost left right then because his nerve had suddenly escaped him upon seeing her and nervousness started to kick in.

But before all his courage left him, he flew down to one of the hay bales and said, ((Hey Cassie. Long day at work?)) like if it'd been days since he'd seen her instead of months. His voice sounded much more confident than he felt.

Instantly she spun around, wide eyes darting around the room until they fell on him. Her mouth was open in shock and she didn't say anything for a full five seconds as if she couldn't comprehend what was going on. He fidgeted slightly at her stare and had to resist the urge to flee.

" _Tobias?"_  she asked disbelievingly.

((Hi, Cassie,)) he said, his thought-speak "voice" sounding a bit high-pitched.

Before he had the chance to say anything else, she launched from her spot and threw her arms around his hawk body. He instinctively flared his wings and let out a small screech before calming himself down. Hawks weren't meant to be held.

"Sorry," she said quickly, letting him go for a second. "Sorry, it's just... Oh my God, Tobias. It's really you." And just like that she started to cry and she hugged him again, much to the hawk's annoyance. However, Tobias told the hawk to shut up and wrapped his wings awkwardly around her.

((Hey,)) he said, trying to sound reassuring but probably failing. ((It's okay. It's okay.))

She didn't let go or stop crying, though, and then she laughed after a few moments. She said, "Maybe you should just go human if you find this uncomfortable because I don't think I'm capable of letting go for a while."

She didn't even let go when his bones rearranged and grew thicker even though it must have felt extremely weird while she hugged him. Once he was fully human, she pressed her face to his shoulder, tears still streaming down her face. He reassured her that it was him and that he was fine, but she still didn't let go.

It was like this that Cassie's father found them when he entered the barn. Tobias was about to call out a greeting before remembering that he had only met him as a hawk, not as a boy, and he suddenly felt subconscious. He just found his daughter crying and embracing a strange boy.

Walter eyed him suspiciously and asked, "Cassie, who's this?"

Cassie looked up at him with tears in her eyes and smiled. "It's Tobias, Dad. It's Tobias," she said with awe.

Walter looked taken aback. "Tobias? But... He's..."

"Hi, Walter," Tobias said. "I decided to ditch the feathers for a bit."

Walter tried to smile. "Hi, Tobias. Glad to see you." He turned to Cassie. "Cass, I have to run a few errands. I'll be back in a while," he said and closed the door behind him.

Cassie finally let go and said, "Would you like to go inside? I think there are some leftover waffles from this morning."

"Okay," he said and followed her into house.

He sat at the table a bit awkwardly waiting for Cassie to bring the food. After a minute, he realized that he should have probably helped her, but it was a bit late for that now.

"So," Cassie began as she put the plate full of waffles in front of him. "How have you been?"

"Alright," he lied and toyed with his food. He wasn't really hungry and wasn't sure why he had accepted the food in the first place.

"Hmm, really?"

He squashed down the urge to squirm in his seat. "Yeah."

"For some strange reason, I have trouble believing that," Cassie said simply, keeping her eyes on him without even glancing down at her own food. It appeared she wasn't hungry either.

Tobias didn't say anything for a few moments. Then finally he asked, "So how has your work been?"

Cassie sighed and leaned back on her chair. "There is a giant elephant in the room that you're refusing to acknowledge," she said, not being one to dance around unwanted topics.  _That's the problem, actually,_ he thought,  _there is no elephant anymore._

"I know," he sighed without looking up.

"You've been gone for months."

"I know."

Cassie didn't say anything, then. Tobias didn't meet her eyes, but he could feel their intensity burning into his skull.

"We missed you," she said, softer this time.

This time he did meet her eyes. There was a look of... not pity, per say, but sadness and worry. Instantly, he felt a rush of guilt for upsetting her and looked down again.

"I know," he said for a third time. Then, softer, "I'm sorry."

"Tobias, I really want to help-"

"I know, and I appreciate it. I really, really do. But I just don't want to talk about it," he said, interrupting her.

"Okay," she said after a pause.

They didn't say anything for a long time, both just reluctantly picking at their food. There was an awkwardness that had never existed between them before, and Tobias almost regretted coming.

Eventually, Cassie found the silence unbearable so she reached to grab the TV remote in the middle of the table and pressed the power button. Some commercials were on, and neither of them said a word until what had become the official Animorphs' logo appeared on the screen and what appeared to be the theme song of a show came on. "No turning back. No backing down. Nowhere to run. No solid ground!" the TV sang.

"Oh. I didn't know that stupid thing was on. I'm sorry. I'll turn it off." She reached out to grab the control again but stopped when Tobias spoke.

"No," he said. "I want to watch."

Cassie stared at him for a second. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, sounding annoyed. "I'm sure." Did she seriously think he would break down at the very mention of Rachel? It wasn't like he didn't already think of her every living second of his life.

So she left it on. It appeared it was one of the earlier episodes. They were all in the mall, and he hadn't been trapped in morph yet. The guy who played Jake was tall, muscular, and athletic. He looked like the stereotypical quarterback, not like Jake at all. Predictably, the girl who played Rachel was gorgeous, with big curves and long silky hair and a pretty face. "Cassie" was too white, too thin, and too fashionable to pass of as the real deal, and her hair was longer. Marco's actor barely resembled Marco. He was big with bulging muscles and way too handsome. Tobias rolled his eyes. He had probably been hand-picked by Marco himself. None of them passed off as thirteen year-olds. In fact, they were all probably older than his current seventeen year-old self.

"Are they  _serious_?" he hissed when he saw the actor who played him. He was dressed in the stereotypical "nerd" look sporting dorky glasses, braces, and even some suspenders. Besides the blond hair, he did not resemble Tobias in the slightest.

Cassie sent him an apologetic look. "Sorry. Marco and I tried to talk the director out of it, but well... The director does what the director wants, I guess." Tobias rolled his eyes but didn't say anything else for a few minutes.

"It's true," TV Tobias said with a sad, crooked smile. "Nobody gives a rat's rear about me."

"I do," TV Rachel responded.

He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Cassie, seeing his reaction, immediately turned off the television and began to apologize, but he sprang up from the chair.

"I'm going to be sick," he said and ran to the trashcan next to the counter, doubling over to throw up.

But after a few minutes, nothing happened, and he slowly stood up, body trembling and knuckles white. His breaths came in short gasps, and he swallowed back the lump in his throat. He didn't turn to face Cassie until he had his breathing back under control.

She wasn't at the table anymore. Instead, she sat at the couch, and she patted the space next to her to signal him over when he turned to look at her. He made his way over to her slowly, and curled up on the couch with his head in her lap, feet dangling from the edge.

She didn't say anything, just stroked his hair as tears threatened to fall down his face. "I miss her," he said softly, his voice hoarse and full of emotion.  _So much for not breaking down,_ he thought.

"I know," she said. "But she wouldn't have wanted to see you like this."

He gave a bitter laugh. "I know, Cassie! Don't you think I know? But she was- She was  _everything_ to me. She was all I had! I loved her so much, and I don't know what to do anymore. I mean-" His voice broke and he struggled to suppress a sob. "We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to get married and be happy, and I just... What am I supposed to do with myself now?" he whispered. "God, this is so  _unfair._ "

"You still have us," she whispered.

"It's not the same, Cass. You've all moved on," he said.

"That's not true, Tobias," she said quietly. "Do you think we've forgotten? That we don't wake up every night having nightmares? Because I still do. I remember."

"That's not what I meant. I still do, too. What I meant is..." he trailed off, looking for the right words. "You all have  _something._ Something to keep you grounded. Something keeping you alive. I don't have that luxury anymore."

"Aren't you leaving with Ax to the Andalite home world?"

"And who know when that will be. But until then-"

"Until then you will stay strong," Cassie said firmly.

He remained silent for a moment. "I don't think I have any strength left in me," he muttered.

"You know..." she began after a few minutes of silence, "I know where Loren lives. You could meet up with her, if it would help."

For an instant, a feeling resembling hope filled him. Wasn't this what he had always wanted? He was the one that went to look for Loren in the first place. Yeah, she had left, but that didn't necessarily mean she didn't want to see him. She just didn't know where he was. He could go live with her while Ax came and pull himself together. Maybe she could go with them too, and she could meet her parents-in-law. Maybe, just maybe, he might actually get another shot of happiness, or at least a chance at being okay... But...

"I think... Maybe not being with her is for the best," he said a little sadly.

"What? Why? Tobias, this is an opportunity for a better life! This is your chance to-"

"Cassie, look at me!" he said, a little louder than intended. "I'm an emotional wreck. I'm totally broken. I can't do that to Loren. I mean, imagine having me as her son. She's totally new to this parenting thing and to give her a hopeless case like me... I'm just going to hurt her."

"That's not true! Tobias, no matter what, you're still her son," she said, lowering her voice towards the end.

"Cassie, I'm not going to go human permanently. Not now and probably not ever. How can she cope with the fact that her son is a hawk?" Then he added quietly, "Maybe she doesn't even want to."

He silently cursed himself for saying that last part out loud. He always had mixed feelings when it came to Loren. Part of him wanted her with him badly. Part of him was mad at her for leaving in the first place. And part of him thought that she was better off without him.

"You know, she asked around for you after the war. A couple of months ago she even called Jake to see if he knew anything about you." His body tensed when she said Jake's name.

 _Then why did she leave?_ he asked himself. Wanting to change the topic, he blurted the first thing that came to mind, "So, are you two still together?"

She went stiff for a moment, and her hands stopped running through his hair. Then she relaxed and let out a sigh. "No. We're not."

"Because of Rachel?" They both pretended not to notice that his voice cracked when he said her name.

"No," she said. "Not because of Rachel. We were..." She paused. "We were already drifting away even before the end. Maybe even before I gave the Yeerks the morphing cube."

And call him selfish, but part of him was happy to know that Jake hadn't gotten the girl either. He didn't get a happy ending either.

"We changed too much, you know?" she continued. "I love Jake. I really do. But even though I love this Jake, I was  _in love_ with the old Jake, not Jake the General."

"I'm sorry," he said. And he was. But for Cassie, not Jake. Never Jake.

"It's not your fault," she said with a shrug.

For a while, neither of them spoke. And this time, the silence was comfortable.

"You know," Cassie finally said in a low voice. "You could always come with me."

Tobias turned to look at her. "What?"

"To the new Hork-bajir Valley. Well, I guess it's not a Valley now." After he didn't say anything, she said, "Come on. You were always really close to them. And besides, I think Toby misses you."

"Toby..." He had always been protective of his name-sake. He cared for her and played with her when she was smaller. He spent hours a day teaching her anything and everything he knew. He was even the one who taught her how to read English. She was like a little sister to him. Albeit, an alien sister.

He shrugged off the thought when he remembered who his father was.

"Where are they at, anyway?" he asked.

"At Yellowstone."

"Cassie, that's in another state."

"So? Tobias, you won't be alone anymore. You could help them out from time to time. And they adore you! They would take you in with open arms."

He thought about it for a minute. What was he still doing there in the first place? There was nothing there for him anymore. Just depressing memories and ghosts from the past. Besides, he was getting kind of bored.

"Okay," he said. "I'll go."

"Really?" Cassie asked, her voice surprised, as if she didn't expect him to accept.

"Yes. I'll go. You're right. It could help."

"Great!" she said, sounding cheerful. "However... I leave tomorrow."

"Wait, tomorrow?"

"Is there a problem?"

He quickly sat up. "I was going to visit Marco. What time is it?"

"It's..." she trailed off looking at her watch, "barely nine. Would you like me to call him to tell him you're going?"

Tobias smirked a little. "Nah, it's cool. I'd rather surprise him."

Cassie rolled her eyes, knowing the by "surprise" he meant "find a way to scare him out of his wits."

"Just be here by eight tomorrow. The jet leaves at 8:30."

"Wait. Jet?" He gave her a questioning look. "I expected that more from Marco."

"Hey, I would rather go on a plane, but the government is scared someone will try something to hurt me, so they bought me a private jet instead."

Tobias nodded, a bit confused. Even though he was sure Cassie could take of herself, he supposed there were still extremists out there who hated all the Animorphs and wanted them dead. "Okay. See you tomorrow," he said and started to walk towards the door.

"Wait, Tobias?" Cassie called and ran up to him wrapping her arms around him again. "I'm glad you came."

He smiled and hugged her back. "Me too."

She kissed him on the forehead, and said, "Take care. And don't be too mean to Marco, okay?"

"I'll try my best."

...

Marco's house was a mansion, and it was one of the biggest houses Tobias had ever seen, rivaling even the former Visser One's cannibalistic brother's home. Of course, he lived there alone except for his servants and the occasional girlfriend. His relationships didn't last more than a few weeks.

It took him five minutes to find what he was sure was Marco's bedroom because it was the only room with the window open and the bed was unmade. When he hovered outside of the window for a few seconds, he could make out the sound of a shower going behind a door in the room that was presumably the restroom. He had hoped to find Marco asleep so that he could scream in his head to wake him up and watch him jolt awake and fall of the bed in panic like he used to do sometimes during the war. Obviously, he would have to find another way to make his presence known.

He flew in through the open window and immediately a robotic female's voice said, "Unidentified life form."

((What the- Oh crap.)) Before Tobias had the chance to jump out of the window a green light flashed around him stunning him mid-flight and paralyzing him. He let out a yelp of surprise as he fell inside the room and crashed into a lamp on a drawer next to a bed, knocking it over and following it as it dropped to the floor. ((Ah! Ouch! MARCO!))

A second later he heard a door slam shut signalizing Marco's presence and he barely made out a pair of wet bare feet running towards him. He tried to look up to see his friend's face but found that he couldn't move at all.

"Oh my God. Tobias, is that you?" Marco said as his arms picked up Tobias' body.

((No. It's freaking Big Bird. What do you think?)) he said as Marco lifted him up into the air and Tobias got a view of Marco's hair covered in shampoo and the towel wrapped around his waist.

"I think that somebody woke up on the wrong side of his branch today," he answered, getting over his shock rather quickly. Even though that was a typical Marco response, there was a tone in his voice that Tobias couldn't quite place.

((Of course. Being paralyzed totally didn't affect my mood.))

"Relax. The effect only lasts a few minutes." Marco set him down on top of the drawer. "Hey, at least I didn't dracon you."

((Why on Earth would you dracon me?))

"Not you, specifically. Intruders in general."

((Paranoid much?))

Marco shifted from one leg to another. "Not this time. Some of the voluntary hosts were given the power to morph. And, well. They weren't too happy that the Yeerks didn't win."

((I thought all of the Voluntaries were imprisoned for treason.))

Marco shook his head and some of the foamy shampoo started dripping on the floor. "Not all of them. Some we couldn't prove were traitors and others were pardoned. And technically, it's illegal to morph now without a government license, but I don't trust them not to break into my mansion and try to kill me or something. So, I set up the Gleet Biofilter, except that I set it to stun, not kill."

((How merciful. So you had to break the habit of flying in through the window instead of walking through the door?))

"Nah. It's programmed to let my osprey in. And Jake's peregrine and Ax's harrier." Cassie had the same osprey as Marco.

((Oh,)) was all Tobias said.

He knew what Marco was implying. Tobias' DNA wasn't entered into the system because Marco thought that he would never return.

Suddenly, silence fell over them, and it was ten time worse than with Cassie because if there was something that could be said about Marco, it was that it was never quiet when he was around.

After what seemed like an eternity but was only a few seconds, Marco said, "I should really go finish my shower," and walked back into the restroom.

Tobias mentally sighed and wondered what he could possibly talk about with Marco that wouldn't sound like he was trying to avoid the only topic that mattered. All while trying to move his talon. Eventually, he was able to move his wing a few inches and immediately started morphing to his human self in order to fully regain mobility. When he was finished, he heard Marco clear his throat to get his attention while leaning against the restroom doorway fully-dressed and shampoo-free.

He eyed him up and down with a guarded look in his eyes. Finally he said, "You should really get a haircut. And a new morphing outfit."

Tobias ran a hand through his hair. It had never been short exactly, but it was definitely longer than usual, almost reaching his shoulders. And his morphing outfit was feeling kind of tight.

"I can take care of that for you," Marco said.

Tobias scoffed. "Yeah. Right. I'm not letting you touch my hair."

Marco rolled his eyes. "Not me, you moron. I have stylists for that. I can call one of them right now."

Tobias' eyes widened. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here."

"And they won't. I'll just make something up."

Tobias nodded, and the silence came back.

Eventually Marco sighed, and said, "I don't suppose you want a tour around my very humble home?"

...

By the time they had finished touring around the mansion and Tobias had gotten in a few snide remarks about the extravagance of the place, the stylist arrived. Marco told her that Tobias was an old friend and thankfully, she didn't ask too many questions or talk much for that matter. Probably why Marco had called her instead of anybody else. Within an hour, Tobias' hair had been returned to its normal length (looking much more stylish, of course) and he had a new morphing outfit and four new extremely expensive regular outfits which he tried to argue against, but of course, Marco didn't listen.

The whole time Tobias tried to keep up their usual snarky banter, but Marco's replies were curt and blunt. After the stylist left, Marco walked to the kitchen and went back to the living room with a bottle of vodka.

"How'd you get that? I doubt you could convince the cashier that you're over the age of thirteen, let alone twenty-one," Tobias asked from his place in the couch.

Marco was looking down serving the drinks in the small table in front of the couch, but Tobias could have sworn he saw him struggling to smile. He cheered inwardly.

"Nope," Marco replied, his voice going back to the same semi-cold tone he had been using with him the entire time. "This is just one of the perks of being a widely-known celebrity."

"The law is biased, I see."

"At least it's biased in my favor now instead of against," Marco muttered while setting down a glass of clear liquid in front of him, though Tobias wasn't sure what he meant by that.

They were quiet for a few seconds, each taking small sips of their drinks until Tobias said, "I'm leaving tomorrow to Yellowstone with the free hork-bajir. I just thought you should know."

Marco snorted. "Well, that's new." This time, he didn't even try hide his snide tone.

"If there's something you want to say to me, just say it Marco," Tobias finally said, frustrated.

Marco looked up from his drink and stared him for a full minute before saying, "You're an asshole, you know that?"

Well, that wasn't what Tobias had been expecting. "Excuse me?"

"What, do you think you can just drop from the face of the planet for months and then suddenly pop up again like everything's normal again?"

"Well, I can try," he muttered.

Marco sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, don't get me wrong. I'm glad you're back. Really. And I'm glad to see you haven't killed yourself. But hey, there's no guarantee that when you get to Yellowstone you won't just disappear again and we'll all be here biting our nails not knowing whether you're alive or dead."

"I'm not going to disappear again."

"And how do I know that?"

"I'm not. Didn't Ax tell you? I told him I'd go back with him to the Andalite home world when I was fine again."

"And are you? Because I honestly have no idea."

That stopped Tobias short, not knowing how to answer. Instead, he curled his hand into fists beside him and nearly growled, "Look, you don't know what it's like to-"

"Exactly," Marco cut him off. "I don't. If you run off on your own for months without talking to any of us, how could I?"

Tobias looked down. He was definitely mad. But whether it was at Marco or himself, he wasn't sure.

"Look, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I never expected you to." At this, Marco got up from the other couch in the living room and plopped down next to Tobias. "I just don't think it's fair to just leave everyone who cares about you behind. Just because you like to pretend that you're alone in this and that nobody but Rachel loved you doesn't make it true."

"That's not what this is about," Tobias said softly.

"Then was is it about? Jake talked to me after that night you saw him at the cemetery, you know. And he said that that's pretty much what you said. Or implied, anyway."

He  _had_  said it. And what Marco was saying was true, and on some level he understood that... But...

"I don't know," was all he said. "I just really didn't want to see anyone after Rachel died."

Marco rolled his eyes. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Then keep digging, Watson."

Marco replied by shoving him off the couch and Tobias laughed a bit. Marco stared at him. "Huh. I didn't think I would ever see you laugh again."

"It's a rare gift. You are one of the lucky few to witness it. Appreciate it."

Marco smirked. "Well, if this  _is_ the last time you'll be gracing me with your presence for a while then we probably shouldn't spend it here angsting."

"I thought we were going to get drunk," Tobias said, looking up at his half-full cup.

"Which leads to angsting. C'mon. Let's go out somewhere."

"Uhh, paparazzi?"

"Uhh, morphing? Just don't tell Cassie." He held out his hand to help him stand up. "C'mon. Let's go."

"Yeah," Tobias said taking his hand, "okay."

...

The flight to Yellowstone was spent in his human morph because the ride was too bumpy for his hawk self. He spent the entire time staring out the window and contemplating how different this flight was to the ones he was on when he was a kid. Before, he spent the entire time dreading the moment the plane landed and he would be thrown back into the custody of someone who didn't notice, let alone cared, for him. Now, however, he was, dare he say, kind of excited to see his old friend. The feeling was foreign, but it was much welcomed.

"Tobias?" Cassie called, snapping him out of his thoughts. She was sitting on a couch-like seat across from him. Previously, she had been tapping away on her laptop's keyboard while muttering under her breath.  _Probably something to do with her job_ , he thought.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Here," she said, carefully handing him over a picture. "Jordan gave it to me a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure whether to give it to you or not, but it's probably for the best if you keep it."

Jordan was Rachel's younger sister. During their temporary stay at the Valley, she had become interested in photography mostly because there hadn't been anything else to do and Marco had gotten a camera during one of his many trips to garage sells. After that, she was snapping pictures of everything and everyone at the most inconvenient moments.

This particular picture Cassie had handed him, however, was one of the few pictures that had been taken with consent. It was a picture of him (in human morph) and Rachel. He had an arm around her shoulders and she was smiling, which was usual, but what wasn't usual was that he was smiling as well. He briefly wondered how many pictures existed of him smiling genuinely.

He stared at the picture fondly and cracked a sad smile as a wave of nostalgia hit him. This picture was taken a few days before the final battle took place. This picture was taken a few days before he stopped believing that he could have a happy ending. Or at least a decent one.

Until now.

He looked up at Cassie. "Thanks," he said. He hadn't meant to, but his voice suddenly held a lot of emotion. She gave him a small smile and reached over to squeeze his hand.

The rest of the flight he spent contemplating the picture and wondering what Rachel would think of him if she saw him now. She probably wouldn't be too happy to know he had just been moping around for months.  _I promise I'll make you proud,_ he thought quietly.

Eventually, Cassie said "We're here." Carefully so that it wouldn't fold, Tobias placed the picture in his backpack which held a few of his belongings including the outfits Marco had gotten him.

Then, after a quick demorphing and remorphing to carry his stuff, Tobias hopped off the jet and took a look at his surroundings. They had landed in a small clearing surrounded by mostly pine trees near where the Hork-bajir Not-valley was. Most of the trees closely resembled those in California, but some were new. Tobias made a point to check them out later along with the Old Faithful Geyser. But for now, he and Cassie were to wait for Toby to arrive. She had promised to meet Cassie at the clearing in half an hour.

Meanwhile, Cassie gave a brief summary of what had happened to the hork-bajir in the last few months, which was basically a repeat of what Marco had already told him. For one, they had been relocated to Yellowstone, obviously. The hork-bajir were granted a portion of the park to themselves in which, in theory, nobody but the hork-bajir was allowed to roam. Toby and Cassie had both become the representatives of the free hork-bajir (Cassie was also working on defending the YPM, or the Yeerk-Peace Movement). Currently, they were working on securing the hork-bajir's rights to prevent any more violence against them, which unfortunately, Cassie said was far too common. Just last month, a couple of, in Cassie's words "merciless brutal savages" shot down one of the hork-bajir. Charges had been pressed against the killers, but they were let free within a week. Tobias felt a wave of anger hit him when Cassie told him this, but he also felt a pang of guilt for leaving the hork-bajir alone. Maybe if he had been there...

While Cassie told him about the hork-bajir that had arrived from their home world, a voice called out from behind them.

"Cassie!" Tobias turned around to see his name-sake jumping from a tree to the ground. She had grown. "What a pleasure to see you aga-" Toby suddenly stopped short and stared at him for a few seconds. "Tobias?"

Tobias smiled at her. "Hey, Toby! Long time, no see. You've gotten taller." And suddenly he found himself lifted off his feet and embraced by the hork-bajir who thankfully knew how to hug a human without chopping them in half with her blades. However, it seemed she didn't know how to hug one without squeezing them to death. "You've also gotten stronger," he gasped, struggling to breathe under her tight hold.

Instantly, she put him down on the floor and let go, and he took in a large breath of air. "I apologize," she said, looking a bit sheepish. "I just didn't expect to see you."

"It's okay," he said, finally managing to regulate his breathing. "I'm glad to see you, too."

"Toby!" Cassie said from behind them, smiling at their exchange. "How are you?" She came up to hug her and this hug didn't involve any lifting or choking.

"Very well, Cassie. And you?"

"I'm great!" she said, taking a quick glance at Tobias as she said that. "Ready to work?"

"Yes, yes, of course. However..." she turned to Tobias. "How long will you be staying?"

"Uh..." he began, suddenly nervous. "I don't know, I suppose I'll-"

"He'll be staying indefinitely," Cassie interrupted and Tobias sent her a mild glare. Toby, however, beamed.

"I mean, if it's not an inconvenience," he said quickly.

"Nonsense!" Toby exclaimed. "You are never an inconvenience. Quite the opposite, actually. We'd all be more than happy to have you here. In fact, I was thinking that we could have a welcoming ceremony for you." The hork-bajir were big on ceremonies and rituals.

"That'd be great!" Cassie said. "Don't you think so Tobias?" The tone in her voice was almost challenging, making it impossible for him to disagree. Well, almost.

"Um, yeah," he stammered. "It'd be awesome, but... don't you think it's a little too much?"

"Like I mentioned before," Toby said cheerfully, "quite the opposite, actually."

...

Just like Toby and Cassie had said, all of the hork-bajir were ecstatic and overjoyed to see him. In fact, a lot of them went up to him shyly and told him how glad they were that he was there. And sometimes when he would turn around and smile at the younger hork-bajir, they would duck their heads and giggle, almost. It was a bit odd, being treated like a celebrity. Back in the original Valley, everyone had respected him and yes, they were almost at awe with him, but they were far too used to him being there to view him with so much wonder. It was a bit awkward, but sweet for the most part. At least with the hork-bajir. He thought that if they had been human, it probably would have been a lot more unnerving then sweet. And there would be more screaming and cheering. And also a lot more questions.

Not one of the hork-bajir had asked any questions that he did not feel comfortable answering. He wasn't sure if it was because Toby had asked them not to or because hork-bajir were just naturally considerate. Either way, he was extremely relieved. Just another of the many reasons he felt so at ease with the hork-bajir.

The ceremony had lasted a few hours, and by night time, most of the hork-bajir had already left. After saying goodbye to him and repeating how much they appreciated him being there, of course. The pizza box Cassie had ordered for both of them lay empty on the floor, and she was currently talking with some young hork-bajir, laughing while they excitedly told her a story.

His morphing time was almost up, and he was just itching to regain his wings once more. He had been spending too much time in his human morph the past two days, and while it had been enjoyable for the most part, it had also been emotionally exhausting. He supposed it was for the best, however. He did feel a lot better than he had weeks prior.

It was while he was contemplating this that Ket Helpak, Toby's mother and one of the first two hork-bajir he had rescued, came over to him and pulled him aside and away from everybody else. She had already expressed her joy of his moving into the colony with them, and had hugged him tenderly (unlike her daughter), so he was a bit surprised at her sudden actions. But before he could asked if she needed anything, she cut straight to the point.

"Ket Helpak lose Jara Hamee," she said. That took him by surprise.

"Yes," he said, unsure of what to respond. "I know. I'm sorry." And he was. Jara Hamee was yet another person he had cared about and lost.

"Ket Helpak cry and cry. But Ket Helpak not alone. Ket Helpak have other hork-bajir. Other hork-bajir helped. Ket Helpak feel good again." She paused, then she said, "Tobias lose human mate too. Tobias leave because Tobias sad."

He looked away. Of course. He couldn't go a day without somebody mentioning Rachel. He wasn't mad at her. Not really. He couldn't be. But he didn't feel like being reprimanded for leaving again.

However, Ket Helpak did the exact opposite. And later, Tobias wondered why he was even surprised. She crouched down to be at eye-level with him, and she gently placed her hand on his cheek in a human gesture and turned his face to hers, like she had probably seen the other Animorphs' parents do before, making sure not to hurt him with her claws.

"Tobias will be okay. Tobias strong. And not alone. Never alone. Ket Helpak here for Tobias."

He stared at her for a long time until suddenly she looked a bit distorted and he began to see blurry. It was then he noticed that there were tears in his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered, too tired, too emotional, too overwhelmed to speak louder. This time, it was Tobias who hugged her.

And for the first time since Rachel's death, he finally felt something resembling peace.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The months following his arrival were definitely better than those first few months he spent in California after Rachel’s death. Still, they weren’t idyllic. He still woke up screaming more often than not (he supposed that would never change) and he would still sometimes morph human to cry some days. He would still sometimes curse the day he was born, and sometimes he would do nothing but stay in his branch and mope all day without eating. But he thought that was just depression playing its part.

Overall, the good days, no, the okay days, outweighed the bad. Besides, at least here he wasn’t totally alone and if reporters did come into the woods, it wasn’t to look for him. Here, for the most part, he didn’t feel the overwhelming weight of despair over Rachel’s death. Or at least, the load wasn’t as heavy. He didn’t think about death as often and he hadn’t attempting against his life since that day after his meeting with Jake.

The thing that did bother him more here than at California, though, was boredom. He thought that this was because a lot of his old bottled up emotions were dissipating, and without him dwelling so much on them now, he had a lot more time on his hands (talons) than he did before. And, while he was extremely fond of the hork-bajir, he was only willing to socialize with them to a certain extent.

It was around the time when his boredom was becoming overwhelming that Toby suggested he go back to school.

((That’s ridiculous,)) he answered without a second thought.

“It was just a suggestion,” Toby replied hotly. “Besides, is that not what normal human teenagers do?”

((Well, yes, but I don’t think I can be described as a “normal human teenager”. Or a human, honestly. Besides, I dropped out of school in the middle of eighth grade. Right now, I belong in the second semester of senior year. Twelfth grade,)) he amended at her confusion.

“Ah,” she said, still seemingly confused at the American schooling system. Who wasn’t, really? She raised her arm and raked her elbow blades down a tree trunk to scrape off some bark. “Well, can’t you go back and finish the eighth grade?”

((I am not going back to school,)) Tobias said flatly. ((Especially not with a bunch of middle school pre-teens.))

“Okay!” Toby exclaimed. “But is there not a way to make up your lost time at school?”

Tobias shifted his weight to his left talon, leaning against the tree while contemplating this. ((Well.... yeah. I suppose there is. But why would I want to do that?))

Toby gave him a look. For most people, it would be hard to identify a hork-bajir’s “look” but Tobias had experience. “Surely you do not wish to spend the rest of your life as a hawk.”

((And what’s wrong with that?)) Tobias asked, a challenging tone in his voice.

“Many things. But mostly importantly, hawks do not have long life spans. And I am no expert, but I highly doubt that your hawk body has many years of life left.”

It was true. The average lifespan of a hawk was about eighteen years. According to Cassie, when he first got his morph, the hawk was about nine years old. It had been five years since he acquired his morph, which meant he had about four years left. Four years was a long time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life.

((I suppose I could always... you know... live out the rest of the hawk’s life and then trap myself as a human.)) That last part sounded more like a question than a statement. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to do that. Maybe he’d end up doing a  _ frolis maneuver  _ with his andalite morph and trap himself as an andalite. Then he’d stay with Ax in the andalite homeworld for good and learn all about his alien heritage.

He was putting too much faith in something that might not even happen, he thought. So, to compensate, he told himself  _ Maybe I won’t trap myself as anything and I’ll just die in four years instead.  _  He mentally winced at how morbid that sounded.

“And what would you do afterwards?”

((.... Go to college?)) And that would require a high school diploma. Well, crap. He wasn’t used to having long-term goals. During the war, his main goal was to make sure he and his friends stayed alive. 

Neither of them spoke for a bit. Tobias watched as Toby ate who glanced up at him almost expectantly a few times. Tobias sighed. ((Fine. You win this round. I guess I can work on my GED while I wait for Ax.)) Again with the hoping too much, he thought while he preened his feathers. 

He mentally smacked himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Ax to keep his promise. But it had been over half a year since he had heard from Ax. And too many times before his hopes had been shattered. Plus, he wasn’t sure if the andalites would want him anyway.

Toby looked smug. As much as a hork-bajir could look smug, anyway. “It is fortunate that the meadow I picked out for you is closer to human civilization than to our colony, then.”

Tobias suddenly looked up from preening. Wait. She had told him that it was because the hork-bajir tended to scare his pray away. ((You did that on purpose, you little brat!))

Toby just laughed.

.....

Thankfully, the library had high school textbooks, but he wasn’t allowed to check them out. He supposed he should probably find a study course online to help him prepare for a GED test but for now he was just content to flip through the books. 

Besides, even though he had told Toby he would finish his education, he wasn't sure if he was going to follow through. After all he had been through, he couldn't picture himself in an ordinary college setting. But he figured that even if he never actually got his GED, going through high school books couldn't hurt. At the very least, it gave him something to do.

He started off with freshmen material first: English I, Biology, Algebra I, and World Geography. He began flipping through the Biology book first. Despite the fact that he hadn’t attended school in four years, a lot of the material in the book looked familiar. This was because, for one, he lived with Ax who would very often lecture him about the inconsistencies he would find in his friends’ textbooks. Also, Tobias would sometimes help his fellow teammates with their homework. Mainly Rachel, but he could remember various times when he helped his other friends as well.

A couple of times he had even flown over the school the day after a rough mission when he knew his friends had a test. Then, by peeping through the window, he would scan their tests over and tell them the answers to some questions. Some he knew. Others he would get by looking at other students’ answers and then relaying them to his friends. It was cheating, obviously, but no one ever berated him for doing so. Not even Jake.

While skimming through a page about human genes, he was reminded of a particular time he had helped one of his teammates with his school work.

_ Tobias soared above the suburban houses’ rooftops on his way to his final destination: Jake’s house. He had already stopped by at everybody else’s home and he had confirmed that they were indeed alive. He knew that it was pathetic to be so freaked out by a simple nightmare, but this one had been different. More realistic. And even though he knew that it had just been a dream, he had to make sure that all his friends were safe. _

_ The night’s wind blew through his feathers as his target came into sight. Jake was definitely asleep and snoring lightly. The only problem was that he appeared to have fallen asleep while doing homework. His head was on the desk, his desk lamp was on, and there were papers scattered all around him. _

_ Tobias instantly felt bad for his friend, knowing that on top of all the stress he already had from being their leader, he still had to go home and worry about daily nuisances like homework. Tobias morphed his human self, grabbed a pencil and a packet with a Punnett square on the first sheet, plopped down on Jake’s bed, and began to work. _

_ About half an hour later he heard his friend begin to wake up, but he didn’t look up. “Tobias?” Jake asked groggily. “What are you doing here?” _

_ Instead of answering, Tobias looked up at him and asked, “It's the male that gives the offspring its sex, right?” _

_ Jake looked at him, slightly confused. “What are you talking about?” _

_ “Nevermind. Yes, he does. XY and all,” he said, and turned his gaze back at the worksheet, bubbling in the correct answer. Suddenly, he felt the mattress go down as Jake sat next to him. _

_ “Why are you doing my biology homework?” _

_ Tobias’ pencil stopped moving. “I can stop if you want me to.” _

_ “No, no. Continue,” Jake said quickly and Tobias snickered. “Just... Thank you.” _

_ Tobias smiled at him. “Just don’t tell Marco, or he’ll make me do his.” _

Tobias angrily shut the book and opened the algebra textbook instead. After fifteen minutes of flipping through pages all he could really remember was something about slope and intercepts. His sour mood didn’t let him concentrate, but he still stubbornly continued to skim through the other books.

It was half an hour before his morphing time was up that he felt like he was being watched. He instantly snapped his head up to see a familiar face sitting a few tables away from him. She had a thoughtful expression on her face while she examined him, like if she was trying to figure out who he was, but when she finally caught a clear look at his face, her eyes widened in recognition.

_ Shit,  _ he thought, and immediately closed the book he was studying and stood up, ready to leave. “No, wait!” the woman screamed as he turned his back to her to face the exit door, earning herself angry stares and various “shh”s and a warning look from the librarian. “Sorry,” she said, softer this time. “I just...” She didn’t finish her sentence and instead hurried after Tobias, who was rapidly exiting the building.

Tobias made it out of the building before the woman, of course. And he knew that, if he started running now, he could quickly lose her and then demorph behind an alley.  But he didn’t. Something about the tone of her voice got to him. She seemed desperate. Distressed. And so, knowing full well that he would probably regret his decision later on, he stopped running and waited for her next to the entrance.

A few seconds later the doors were thrown open violently, almost hitting Tobias in the face. The woman started apologizing distractedly, until she realized who he was and that he hadn’t ran away like she thought he would.

“Tobias!” she yelled. “It  _ is _ you! I thought-” She stopped mid-sentence at Tobias’ panicked expression. He put a finger to his lips, signaling her to be quiet. Then, in a softer voice, she said, “I need to speak to you.”

After looking around to make sure nobody had heard her, he said, “I think we should go somewhere else to talk, Naomi.”

.....

Naomi led him to a nearly-empty coffee shop a few blocks away from the library. Still, to make sure they weren’t heard, they sat down in the booth furthest away from the counter where the cashier was.

“I come here a lot when I come to visit the Colony,” Naomi explained. “It’s usually empty, so I can get work done here.” Naomi was the head lawyer who represented the Hork-bajir Colony at court.

Tobias, nodded, and then he quickly excused himself to the restroom for a quick remorph. Once in the restroom, he considered just leaving through the window without telling Naomi. After all, what was he supposed to say to his dead girlfriend’s mother? As his nerve left him, he managed to hop onto the windowsill to take off. Then he stopped.

Is this what Rachel would have wanted him to do?

“You can’t always fly away from your problems, Tobias,” she had told him once.

“Sure, I can,” he had responded.

Then, exasperated, she had said, “Yes. But is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life? Running away?”

_ Yes,  _ he mentally answered bitterly. But he knew it wasn’t true. And so, with a sigh, he glided down into the stall again to morph human. Then, he nervously made his way back to their booth, fidgeting the entire way.

Naomi seemed to be muttering something to herself, and when she looked up, he seemed surprised to see him there. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “I thought you had left. You took a while.”

“There was an employee in the restroom. I had to wait until he left,” he lied, and sat down in front of her, trying not to look visibly uncomfortable.

She didn’t say anything, opting to take a sip from the cappuccino she had ordered while he was in the restroom. They didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and Tobias thought the silence would drive him crazy.

“So, I’m assuming you live with the hork-bajir now,” Naomi said at last.

“Yes.”

“They never mentioned you.”

“I asked them not to,” he answered. “And I would ask if you could do the same.”

“Of course,” she said, and the silence fell upon them again. Naomi looked like she wanted to leave. Like if she regretted asking to talk to him in the first place.

Tobias thought it was odd to see her so uncomfortable. Back in the Valley, she had always been so head-strong, so outspoken, not afraid to speak her mind. Like mother, like daughter, he had thought. But now... He supposed that talking to your dead daughter’s boyfriend would set anyone on edge.

“I don’t know if anyone told you,” she began slowly, “but I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while.”

This took him by surprise. He and Naomi had never had an actual conversation. This was mostly because he was usually busy, but also because she always seemed to look at him with disapproval, almost. Like if she didn’t want him near her daughter. The only real interaction they had was at Rachel’s funeral when she let him leave with Rachel’s ashes.

“I always thought you didn’t like me,” he said bluntly.

She smiled. “To be fair, I didn’t like any of you kids, then,” she said. “But if I’m being honest...” She sighed. “I guess in a way, I was jealous.”

“Jealous,” he repeated, bewildered. And then, without thinking, he said, “Jealous of the kid trapped in a bird’s body with the amnesic mother who was caught in an intergalactic war?”

She laughed a bit. “I know it seems silly to you. It seems stupid to me now, as well. But... You and Rachel were so close. Anybody could see that. And it was weird because it seemed like she wasn’t friends with anybody, then. Not even Cassie. Which is why I wanted you to tell me more about my daughter. They were always fighting. And when she was mad or upset or something, she would go to you and you were able to calm her down somehow. Me on the other hand...” She slumped back in her seat. “I would do the exact opposite. I was the one who would always upset her. We were always arguing. Always at each other’s throats. My gosh, if I would have known...” For a second, it looked like she was going to start crying, but she quickly composed herself.

“But you didn’t know,” Tobias said. “None of us did.”  _ Except Jake. _

“You can’t change the past, I suppose,” she said, a little sadly.

After a few minutes of contemplating what to say to make Naomi feel better, Tobias said, “I know that she didn’t show it, but she really did love you. Everything she did during the war, every battle she ever fought, was for you. For her family. For her friends. And I know she wasn’t the nicest daughter towards the end. And I know that she probably hurt you. But she was just scared. The war was escalating, and the world she knew was crumbling around her. And she was  _ scared.  _ And when Rachel is, was, scared, when there was something she couldn’t control, she would get mad. She would lash out. And, well, she was never the best at handling her anger.” Naomi laughed a little at this. “But honestly... she was just trying to protect you guys. All of us. And like I said, she really did care. She told me so quite often. Which is... why she sacrificed herself at the end, I guess.”

By the end of his little speech, Naomi had tears in her eyes, though she refused to let them fall. She gave a small laugh. “You know, now I can see why she loved you so much.”

.....

It was a few weeks after his meeting with Naomi. They had spent about four hours in that cafe, all the while talking about Rachel. Naomi seemed relieved, at the end of their talk, knowing that her daughter wasn’t the violent beast people made her out to be. Or at least, that there was a lot more to her than just her viciousness. They had both come so close to crying during that time, but none of them did. Or at least Tobias didn’t until he was back in his territory where he was sure no one would see him. Except, this time, he didn’t feel consumed by grief. And when he ran out of tears, he actually felt relieved. He was healing, he realized. Slowly, but he was healing.

That night was actually kind of warm, for a change, considering that it was still winter in Wyoming. Yet, he was still having trouble falling asleep, and he mentally cursed himself for it. He should enjoy sleeping in the warm while it lasted.

It was when he was finally managing to doze off that he heard the chaos. There was a screech, distinguishably hork-bajir. Instantly, he snapped his eyes open, wide awake. It was when he heard the gunshots that he hopped on the ground and began to morph, anger fueling his adrenaline.

Before he realized what he was morphing, he was almost a fully-grown polar bear. He recoiled in disgust and almost began to demorph, but there was another hork-bajir scream and he took off running towards the commotion. There was no time for grief.

Polar bear eyes didn’t have great eyesight, but the night sky was bright enough that he could clearly make out the scene in front of him. There were three men, all with handheld pistols. They were all pointing their guns at the hork-bajir sprawled on the floor, a hork-bajir  _ child. _ The man  closest to the hork-bajir was screaming something along the lines of “alien trash” and looking like he was about to shoot at any moment.

Tobias didn’t waste a second. With an ear-splitting roar, he pounced at them. Instantly, the attention was on him. “A polar bear!?” one of them screamed. Tobias replied with another roar.

The guys furthest to the kid didn’t stay to see what would happen next. They instantly fled, screaming the entire time, forgetting that they had weapons. Not that they would have been of much help.

The third guy was stupider, choosing to shoot at Tobias instead of running. However, he didn’t get many bullets into him before Tobias had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and lifted him into the air, swatting the pistol aside. He brought the man up to eye-level, and then roared in his face, causing the guy to erupt in a fit of whimpers.

Tobias was briefly reminded of a time when Cassie had done something similar, but he brushed the memory aside.

((Don’t come back again,)) he growled at the man who began nodding his head violently.

“I won’t. I won’t. Please don’t kill me,” the man begged. Tobias dropped the guy, and he instantly picked himself up and ran away.

Tobias turned to the hork-bajir, who was a few yards away, staring up at him with a fearful expression. Tobias took a step towards him, and the kid began to whimper.

((Hey, it’s okay,)) he said soothingly. ((It’s me, Tobias. I’m not going to hurt you.))

“Hero Tobias?” the hork-bajir asked shyly.

Tobias laughed a bit, and said ((Yeah. That Tobias.))

.....

“ _ The Forgotten Ones _ : the book Jake Berenson wrote about his lost teammates Rachel Berenson and Tobias Avan. Buy your copy today!”

Tobias had seen that stupid sign the past few times he had been to the library, and he was sick of it. Sick of seeing everybody fawning over it. Sick of overhearing comments of it. Sick of hearing people say that now they knew the real story of Rachel and Tobias. They didn’t. They didn’t know him and he was sick of people acting like they did. He held so much disdain for the book that he considered not going to the library anymore.

But he was not going to allow Jake to ruin something else for him. Instead, he just ignored the bookstore section in the library and opted stick to remain as far away from it as possible in the academic section.

On a particular day, however, Tobias was drawn to the bookstore. He had just finished going over a chapter in a geometry book, and his brain was fried, so he chose to close his textbooks and go through the library’s fiction section to find something to read for fun. Except that he didn’t find anything satisfactory. Or at least, he knew that the book he wanted to read wasn’t in the fiction section, unfortunately. And so, against his better judgement, Tobias found himself walking over to the bookstore, the entire time telling himself that there were just no good books to read in that part of the library.

He wouldn’t even admit it to himself, but he was curious about what Jake had to say in his book.  _ Probably that Rachel’s life was a necessary sacrifice. Probably that the Auxiliaries were expendable and that the 17,000 yeerks deserved to die. Probably some crappy justifications to make himself feel better.  _ Knowing Jake, he knew that none of that was accurate, but telling himself that it was was the only way to subdue the part of his brain that was disgusted with him even considering touching Jake’s book, let alone reading it.

There were multiple shelves displaying the book all over the bookstore, like if seeing the book in every corner of the store would encourage more people to buy it. He took a breath and quickly made his way over to the most secluded shelf he could find. He looked over his shoulder nervously as he took a book from the shelf with shaky hands, as if someone were about to scream, “Look! Tobias is reading Jake’s book!” He glanced at the book for a full ten seconds before hastily opening it to a random page, knowing that his resolve would fade if he didn’t act quickly.

The page he had landed on began mid-paragraph. He didn’t turn the page, though. Tightening his grip on the book, he evened his breath, and began to read.

“ _ Now, I knew that, technically, Tobias had been the one to volunteer for the mission. I never told him to. I never ordered him to potentially dig his own grave. _

_ However, as we all huddled together in fly morph on that eagle, some of us crying mentally, some of us cursing silently, some of us doing both, all of us knowing full well that there was nothing we could do to help our agonizing friend, I knew that this was so much worse. _

_ Tobias continued to scream. He continued to laugh maniacally. And, somehow, he continued to hide our secret through the whole ordeal.  _

_ Despite my pathetic justifications, tho-” _

“Hey!” Tobias snapped his head up, startled, and almost dropped the book. A guy about his age was glaring at him, his badge indicating that he was an employee. “If you want to read the book, you have to pay for it first.”

“Right,” Tobias answered, still in a daze from what he had just read. He folded the page he was on and headed towards the front of the store where the cash register was with the book still in his hands. He fumbled to get money out of his pocket and quickly paid the cashier. 

For the first time, the money hadn’t been acquired by spotting change from the air. Since the war ended, the government had been consistently adding money in a bank account for each member in gratitude for their service during the war. Tobias had been reluctant to take out any money before, in fear of being found out. However, somehow, Marco had opened up another account for him under another name and had been transferring all his money to the new account, and then had Cassie relay all the necessary information to him. He hadn’t asked him any questions, opting to just thank them instead.

Tobias left the bookstore and made his way to an empty table on the other side of the library. He opened the book to where he had left off, and continued to read.

_ “Despite my pathetic justifications, though, I knew that I had been the one to lead  Tobias to his torture cell.  _ I  _ was the one who came up with the plan.  _ I  _ was the one who planted the idea of a capture, hoping, knowing,  that he would be insightful enough to realize the entire plan.  _ I  _ was the one who manipulated him into volunteering, knowing full well that he would do whatever it took, no matter the consequences for himself, to keep us all safe. _

_ The worst part, I think, was that we never knew whether the AMR originally worked or not. I prayed that it had. I prayed the trauma I had put Tobias through had not been in vain. _

_ And do you want to know what he said to me afterwards? He said, “It was worth it. As long as it kept us safe, and it kept our identities a secret, it was all worth it.” _

The chapter ended there. Tobias put the book down and closed it with shaky hands. Jake had given him too much credit. Far too much. What he didn’t know, what none of them knew, was that Tobias  _ had  _ given away their identities. Or at least, he had meant to. In the end, he had cracked and screamed that they were all just human kids in order to make Taylor end his pain. He didn’t know if Taylor hadn’t acknowledged this or if he had just been too weak to actually thought-speak then. But it didn’t matter. In the end, Taylor had broken him.

Jake also hadn’t stated the circumstances in which Tobias had said that it was all worth it. He didn’t say how Ax had desperately come to him for help because Tobias had refused to sleep for two weeks, and the few times he did, he would wake up screaming and shouting in fear. Jake didn’t say how he had dragged a reluctant Tobias into his empty house afterwards, ordering him to morph human in hopes that maybe he would be able to rest that way. He didn’t write about how Tobias had only pretended to sleep,  too afraid to wake him up with his tortured screams. Jake didn’t say how  he had woken up at 3a.m, fifty minutes before the second alarm to signal Tobias’s morphing time was up. He didn’t talk about how he had found Tobias curled up in his bed with a flashlight reading a book,  _ The Outsiders,  _ which had been assigned to all 10th graders. Jake didn’t say how he had sighed exasperatedly and sat next to Tobias, telling his friend that he wouldn’t sleep if he didn’t. Then, when Tobias refused,  he said that if neither of them were going to sleep, would Tobias kindly summarize the book because he had a test on it the next morning. Jake didn’t say how he interrupted Tobias halfway through his explanation with an apology, promising never to send him into an obviously disastrous mission again. He didn’t say how Tobias had given him an annoyed look and told him that of course he would because knowing when sacrifices had to be made was what being a leader entitled.  He didn’t say how it was then that Tobias had said that it was worth it no matter what, but how he had only said it to make them both feel better about what had happened. And he didn’t say, he didn’t know, how as he said it, Tobias was biting down his own resentment at Jake for being the one who quietly volunteered Tobias to be experimented on in the first place.

Tobias stared at the book, trying to summon up fury at Jake again. Instead, he was ambushed by an onslaught of memories.

He folded his arms on the table buried his face in them. He had only read a page and a half, and so many memories of his torture and the aftermath resurfaced. How Ax refused to let him out of his sight for an entire month. How he had slept next to Tobias’ tree  when Tobias refused to sleep in his scoop. The time Marco had somehow acquired alcohol and gathered Jake, Ax, and Tobias to drink, marking it as the first time multiple members of the group had gotten drunk together. He had called it “guy’s night out”, but it was an obvious attempt to cheer Tobias up. How Rachel didn’t mention anything about him becoming a human  _ nothlit _ for a while, and didn’t even insist on them having normal teenage dates, opting instead to go flying with him. The two times Cassie cornered him, trying to talk to him about his time spent in the glass cube. How she would ask him to help her with her chores at the barn whenever she wouldn’t see him for a few days to make sure he was okay. How they would all leave him out of small missions for a while, all of them taking over his surveillance at one point in an annoying, but somewhat touching attempt to keep him safe.

He looked up at the book wearily. Amazing how much a few sheet of papers could overwhelm him. However, he wasn’t about to let this book make him fall apart. Tentatively, he picked it up, and opened the book to a random page again. This time, it landed earlier on in the book. 

“ _ It’s stupid, I guess, but I always just assumed that Rachel was totally fearless before then. And while it is probably true that she was a bit more dauntless than the rest of us, that’s not what made her brave.  _

_ It was her fear.  It was the fact that, despite that she was almost as scared as the rest of us, she still fought harder than all of us. She still jumped, almost recklessly, into battle. She still hid her fear and put on a facade of an amazon warrior for us, in order to encourage us, to inspire us, not to give up. _

_ As long as I knew her, Rachel had always wanted to be a gymnast, even ignoring the fact that, according to her, she was way too tall to ever succeed. Yet, here she was, throwing away a once in a lifetime opportunity to accomplish her dreams in order to fight a war that she didn’t even want a part in.” _

Tobias closed the book abruptly, feeling bitterness settle within him. It wasn’t like if what Jake had said wasn’t true. It was quite accurate actually, at least in the beginning of the war before everyone became twenty shades darker.

It was the fact that Jake seemed to understand her so well. Almost as much as Tobias did. Almost more in a different way. And yet… He had still sent her away to die.

Tobias sighed, shoved the book in his backpack, stood up from the table, and made his way out of the library. His morphing time was almost up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just don't think it's fair to just leave everyone who cares about you behind. Just because you like to pretend that you're alone in this and that nobody but Rachel loved you doesn't make it true."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

It was a few months later, towards the end of October, that Toby came barging into his meadow screaming his name enthusiastically as he was  mid-dive. Instinctively he tried to pull up, but the momentum of his flight stopped him, sending him tumbling to the ground instead. He cursed as he watched the rabbit he was pursuing hop away. Annoyed, he looked up at Toby’s sheepish face.

((You needed me?)) he asked, as he stood up and tried to fix his ruffled feathers with his beak.

“Sorry,” she said. Her sheepish look was gone and she looked excited once again. “Someone’s here to see you!”

He looked up at her and tilted his head to the side. ((But Cassie isn’t due to come for a few weeks.)) And she seemed too excited for this to be simply another visit from Cassie, he thought.

Sure enough, a voice that definitely didn’t sound like Cassie said, ((That’s because I am not Cassie.)) Tobias froze at the familiar voice. For what felt like a minute, he felt his heart stop before it started beating again, at a faster pace.

((Ax?)) he asked, his voice sounding hoarse even though he was talking in thought-speak. A northern harrier soared down next to him.

((Yes,)) he said simply before he began to demorph.  Slowly, his best friend emerged beside him.  ((I need to reset my morphing time, but I was hoping you would agree to go flying with me.))

((Yeah, okay.)) He didn’t trust himself to say anything else, his heart still pounding dangerously fast. Instead, he watched his friend remorph. Once the morph was complete, he shouted out ((Thanks, Toby)), before taking off for Ax to follow.

For a few minutes, neither of them said anything, each too focused on what they wanted to say to the other but neither of them daring to say it. In  a moment of bitter nostalgia, Tobias tried to convince himself that they were flying in comfortable silence headed towards the mall.

Eventually, Ax said, ((This is a very nice forest. Much nicer than the one back in California. However, I must say, I am quite disappointed that I have not seen any yellow stones.))

Despite himself, Tobias laughed. ((Yellowstone is just the name of the park, Ax-man.))

((I know,)) said Ax, and Tobias could hear the smile in his voice.

Just like that, half of the tension dissipated, and Tobias allowed himself to relax. And, against his better judgement, he let his suppressed excitement bubble up. ((What have you been up to?)) he asked Ax. ((I mean, it’s been… awhile.)) One year and seven months to be exact, not that he had been counting.

Ax launched into a story about how he had spent months in his homeworld, before being stationed in the hork-bajir homeworld for eight months. He explained how even though the main war was over, there were still bands of Yeerk rebels terrorizing some planets. He told him that a particular group had given them a hard time but how they had eventually chased them to the Taxxon homeworld and captured them. He told him about the Taxxon rebellion, and even though Tobias already knew this, that Arbron had had an important part in the Taxxon war. 

((And how’s your ship?)) Tobias asked him, which was  the closest he could get to ((When are we leaving?))

Ax’s ship was called the  _ Intrepid.  _ Ax launched into a detailed explanation about her design that Tobias didn’t really follow along. He spoke about her smooth transition into Z-space and how her weapons rivaled the blade ship itself and how there could not possibly be a better ship for him. His voice was full of adoration. Tobias snickered to himself and had to resist the urge to ask Ax if he was going to be the best man at the wedding.

Eventually, as they soared over the clearing that the hork-bajir called home, Tobias was able to summon up enough courage to break Ax’s tangent on the  _ Intrepid _ ’s speed and asked him, ((So, what do your parents think about all of this? About me being their grandson?))

Ax didn’t respond immediately, and for a second Tobias foolishly hoped that it was because he hadn’t heard him. Tobias tipped his wings sideways a bit, gliding closer to Ax. ((I think they just need time to adjust themselves to this new knowledge.))

Tobias felt his stomach drop.  _ What a surprise,  _ he almost said.  _ My family doesn’t want to see me. _ Instead, he asked, ((Time? How much time?)) Ax remained silent enough for Tobias to know that he wasn’t going to the Andalite homeworld anytime soon. He took a deep breath trying to steady his voice and keep any emotion out. ((What did they say?))

((You have to understand, according to our tradition it is un-))

((Ax. What did they say?))

By his silence, Tobias knew that Ax was trying to find a way not to hurt his feelings too much. ((They refused to accept that Elfangor would have an illegitimate child. They said that if you insisted with that nonsense, they would refuse to let you into their home.)) Tobias knew that they had said a lot more than that, but he didn’t ask anything else.

Instead, he said in mock peppiness, ((Figures. Whelp. Not like I’m not used to that.)) Still, he was unable to keep the pain out of his voice. He mentally added Noorlin and Forlay’s names into his growing list of relatives who wanted nothing to do with him. He briefly wondered if Elfangor qualified for the list or not.

((Tobias, my parents are very... traditional. Illegitimate children, interspecies relationship... They are what you would call a taboo. But my parents are also kind. And they do value family. I am sure they will come to accept you. They just need time.)) 

But Tobias wasn't sure if he was willing to give them that. After all, Loren knew about his existence all his life. His aunt and uncle had plenty of time  _ with _ him. And none of them had decided he was worth it. He didn't think he was willing to get his hopes up again. 

((I truly am sorry,)) Ax said.

((It’s not your fault. I’m sure you tried.)) Then, in a sardonic tone, he added ((Guess I better go unpack.))

((Actually…  That is what I wanted to converse with you about.)) Ax said, after a moment of hesitation. At his tone, Tobias held his breath, ready to crush this new glimmer of hope in a moment’s notice. ((I have been assigned to a new mission and I tho-))

((Yes,)) Tobias said without a second thought. This time, he let his excitement seep into his voice. ((I always wanted to witness a real-life space battle,)) he said, almost giddy. ((You’d think that being in an intergalactic war, we’d get to see them on a regular-))

((Wait, I did not mean tha-)) Ax tried to interrupt, but Tobias wasn’t listening anymore, or rather didn't want to listen, too caught up in his excitement, too scared of it being taken away.

((- basis. Of course, ideally, I wouldn’t be in the ship being attacked, but we’ve survived worse. And it’s not just like if we could-))

((Tobias!)) Ax almost shouted. ((That is not what I meant. You are not coming with me on this mission.))

Tobias stopped, his voice wavering. ((But you said tha-))

((You did not let me finish. What I meant was, that when I finish this mission, I am leaving the andalite military. But the  _ Intrepid  _ is mine. It was a gift given to me in gratitude of my services here at Earth. Afterwards, if you want, we can leave. You said once that you wanted to go on what you referred to as an “intergalactic road trip.” We can do that. If you still want to, of course.))

They were flying over a lake now. Red-tailed hawks weren’t aquatic birds, but the water was clear enough that he could make out a family of fish underneath, near the surface of the water. Tobias  _ did _ want to go on a roadtrip. But- ((You can’t just quit the military, Ax. It’s always been your dream to become a Prince.))

The family of fish quickly swam deeper underneath, out of Tobias’s field of vision, probably because they had felt their shadows soaring above them. ((No,)) Ax said softly, after they had left the lake behind them. ((I just thought that it was.))

Whenever they had talked about their future, Ax had always chattered excitedly about how it would be an honor to become a Prince. He had said that he hoped to be as famous and successful as his brother. Tobias had listened attentively, of course, and never failed to notice the awe and admiration in Ax’s voice whenever he mentioned Tobias’s father. Now, he thought maybe it wasn’t being a Prince that Ax wanted to become. Maybe he had just wanted to escape Elfangor’s shadow.

He didn’t say this, though. Instead, he asked, ((Why can’t I just go with you on this mission? Your military offered the others a position in it before. Marco told me. But they refused. And if I had been there, they would have asked me, too.))

((You would require military training to participate in the mission.)) There was a moment of hesitation in Ax’s response, and Tobias knew that he wasn’t being entirely truthful.

((I’m an Animorph. I’ve been in more missions in a week than you have in the past year,)) Tobias said hotly, not caring how arrogant he sounded.

((Which would not exempt you from training.))

Tobias dived in frustration, pulling up a few feet before hitting the ground. Flying had always helped him cool off when he was angry. ((You offered to take me on your mission before. What’s the difference now?))

((You weren’t going to fight, then,)) Ax stated calmly.

((Then I won’t fight now! What are you hiding from me? Why don’t you want me to go with you?)) His exasperation was obvious in his voice.

Ax didn’t answer his question. Instead, he said, ((Like, I said, when my mission is over-))

((Yeah, when? Three years from now?)) Tobias asked, making sure to sound as cynical as possible. 

He hadn’t said anything before, but Tobias had truly missed his best friend. He missed being at his scoop and flipping through the channels on TV, eventually ending on a soap opera, much to Tobias’s protests. He missed trying to convince Ax that he didn’t need any of the items advertised in infomercials. ((But if I call the number on screen now, I get free shipping and handling!)) Ax would protest. He missed explaining to him that “shipping” didn’t usually involve actual ships. He missed buying take out food because he knew from experience that they would be kicked out of any restaurant he attempted to take Ax to. He missed convincing Ax to help him play a practical joke on Marco after the fifth time he made a “Why did Tobias cross the road?” joke. He missed having a TV show marathon after various particularly bloody battles. He missed practicing tail-blade fighting as the sun went down and Ax showing him the andalite night ritual.

Tobias hadn’t wanted to admit to it himself before, but after a year of not hearing anything from Ax, he was scared. What if Ax had left for good? What if he had forgotten about him just like Elfangor and Loren had? What if Ax had finally given up on him?

((Look, Ax,)) he began, his voice losing all trace of anger, ((I don’t know why you don’t want me along in this mission now. And you don’t have to tell me. That’s your business. But I haven’t seen you, let alone talked to you, in over a year. And I know that it’s my fault. That I just shut you out after Rachel died when you had just been trying to help. That wasn’t fair. And I am truly sorry. And you know what? I probably should have asked Cassie or Marco how to communicate with you all this time instead of leaving that up to you. Because something that I have learned since Rachel died is that being all on my own sucks, no matter how much I try to pretend I’m okay with it.)) He stopped, then softer, he said, ((I just don’t want to go another year without talking to my best friend.))

Ax didn’t say anything for a few minutes, leaving Tobias in uncomfortable silence, almost regretting his emotional outburst. Then, he said, ((You will not have to,)) and signaled Tobias to follow him back towards the Hork-bajir Not-valley.

A couple of minutes into the flight, Ax said, ((I apologize as well. I should have tried to contact you personally during my time in the  _ Intrepid _ to see how you were doing. I do not know how long my mission will take. But we will not lose touch again.))

…..

Ax stayed on Earth for a week. That time had been spent flying and hitting up a few places near civilization. Tobias gave him a tour of Yellowstone, and Ax excitedly pointed out different types of vegetation he had read about in an encyclopedia oh so long ago. Before his parting, Ax gave Tobias a telecommunicator, a device which  they had both promised to use once a week to keep in touch.

Months passed. Tobias kept his promise and called Ax at least once a week, sometimes more. Ax talked about his journey and how dull it was to spend months in Z-space. A couple of times, Ax didn’t answer. The longest they had spent without talking to each other had been a month. Until now. It had been over two months since their last conversation. 

At first, Tobias didn’t think much of it. Ax was a Prince, and he was constantly busy. Even on a boring space mission, he probably had duties to attend to. Maybe he had gone into battle and his telecommunicator had been damaged, just like last time. Ax was fine. Probably. He had talked to Cassie about it a few weeks earlier, but she didn’t know anything either. Although Tobias tried not to think about it too much, he was worried sick.

Tobias also spent more time at the library. He had finished reviewing content from the 9th to the 12th grade. He knew the next step was to take his GED, but it made him uneasy. Even though he had told Toby he would take the test, he didn’t think he would have a chance to take it before Ax came back for him. Taking the test seemed too final, as if it was settled that he would spend the rest of his life as a human.

It was in early August that Cassie came by to visit him again. This time, she had news that she was hoping would bring him out of hiding once and for all.

“She’s getting married,” Cassie announced. 

((Who is?)) Tobias asked, peering down at her. 

“Loren. Your mom is getting married.” Tobias didn’t answer for a second. How could she be getting married? When did she have the time to meet someone? It had only been… Three years. It had almost been three years since the war ended. It made sense that she would want to move on with her life. Still, it bothered him. She was moving on without him.

((When? With who?))

“October. With a man named Gregory. Gregory…” She paused, thinking. “Gregory Something.” Then, after another pause, she added, “I think you should go.”

((No,)) he replied quickly, without thinking about it.

She raised an eyebrow, and placed a hand on her hip. “And why not?” she asked, with a challenging tone.

((Because… I’m not invited.)) He knew it was a lame answer.

She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure the invitation got lost in the mail.” Then, in a more serious voice, she said, “Look, Tobias, I know you feel like she should be the one to approach you. But she doesn’t know where to even begin to look for you. And even if she did, I think she doesn’t want to bother you. She wants to let you come back when you feel ready to come back.” 

_ If you love someone, set them free _ , he thought bitterly. He wasn’t sure whether he agreed with that philosophy.

When he didn’t answer, she said, “I’ll be here a day before so you can fly with me.”

((No promises,)) he responded. But even as he said that, he was already wondering what he would wear to his mother’s wedding.

…..

A month later Tobias found himself outsmarted by a mouse. It was pathetic, he thought, that he had spent more than three years fighting and plotting against what was probably one of the galaxy’s greatest menace and  _ won _ , only to be outwitted by his lunch. Well, what should be his lunch, anyway. ((Okay, Old Man Mouse, you live for another day. I’m not falling for it today,)) he told the mouse at last.

To make matters worse, two campers had decided to set up in his meadow. A couple, to be precise. And just like at the mall, the sight of them in love made him sick with nostalgia. 

He supposed maybe he wouldn’t be feeling so miserable if the communicator Ax had given him had gone off since the last time Cassie had visited. Now it had been three months and two weeks since he had heard from his friend.  And so, in an attempt to lift his spirits, he decided to chase off the campers. It was a bit harsh, he knew, but he had to keep his sanity, and they would find another camping site anyway. Probably.

However, before he hopped to the ground to start morphing, a hork-bajir came into site, leaping from tree to tree. Toby. He started calling out a greeting, before he saw what, or who, was trailing behind her. A wolf. Cassie, no doubt. Instantly, he knew something was up.  Cassie had just been here two days ago, and she only came once a month unless there was an emergency. 

“Hello, Tobias. I hope you are well.” There was something off-putting about her voice, but he couldn’t quite place what it was.

((Tolerable,)) he answered, looking down at Cassie. Strangely enough, she still hadn’t said anything.

“Tobias, I have done something you may disapprove of,” Toby said. This time her voice definitely sounded apologetic. Tobias almost groaned out loud.

((All right, who is it?)) he demanded, his heartbeat suddenly beginning to quicken. But even before he asked, he  knew the answer. Cassie was out. Ax was still in space. Marco? He would have called beforehand. And anyway, Marco wasn’t prohibited from coming to visit him, so Toby bringing him wouldn’t be something he would “disapprove of.”

((It’s me, Tobias.)) Sure enough, that was Jake’s voice. 

As Jake began to demorph, Tobias contemplated taking off. The hikers however, who had been staring and pointing quietly up until then, were rooted in spot and began to take pictures excitedly, much to Tobias’s annoyance. ((Hey, Ken and Barbie,)) he yelled, regretting not scaring them off before, ((knock it off. This is my meadow. You want to stay, sit down and stay quiet!))

He looked down at his former leader who was almost done demorphing. He didn’t know what to say. Or what he wanted to say, if he even wanted to talk to him. He wasn’t even sure what to feel. The last time he saw him had been at Rachel’s memorial, on the day that should have been her seventeenth birthday. He had screamed at him then, and he wasn’t sure if he should do the same now.

In the end, Tobias settled for a flat ((Well, Jake, what’s up with you?)) once Jake was done demorphing.

“I’m doing good.”

((You’re older.))

“So are you.” His voice wasn’t mocking. Not exactly. But something about his nonchalant tone bothered Tobias (much like almost everything Jake did for the past three years).

So he said, ((Well, it was fun catching up. Bye.))

However, before he could fly off, Jake blurted, “It’s about Ax.” That stopped him short. If Jake showed up, then there was something very, very wrong.

((What about Ax?)) he asked steadily, trying not to let his worry seep into his voice.

Jake looked back, acknowledging the hikers’ presence for the first time. He lowered his voice before saying, “He’s been captured.”

.....

They had spent nine months and four days in space. Nine months and four days with no interaction with anyone outside the  _ Rachel _ . Nine months and only fifty movies to watch and fifty books to read. They had a few board games to entertain themselves, although everyone was sick of them by the fifth month. They had a deck of cards, but Menderash had lost the three of spades and nine of hearts, and even though the ship was not very big, they had been unable to find them. 

Santorelli proposed they train during the trip. They were all already being taught how to operate the ship by Menderash, but Santorelli wanted physical training. He had been in the military and used to train cadets, so he suggested they trained in their human forms in case it was ever needed. Tobias laughed at the idea when Santorelli presented it and refused, saying he didn’t spend a lot of time as a human anyway. Later, while they were watching a movie, Santorelli surprise attacked him and pinned him to the floor. It was then that Tobias reluctantly accepted the training. Marco made fun of him for days after that until Tobias surprised him in snake morph in his sleep.

They also practiced morphing and battling. Marco held the record of fastest morph from his human form to his gorilla morph at 22 seconds. Jake claimed it wasn’t fair since there wasn’t a big difference between a human and gorilla as opposed to a human and tiger and a hawk and a hork-bajir. And since Jeanne and Santorelli weren’t as experienced as the other three, it made sense that they were still clocking in at a little over a minute between morphs. 

Battles took place twice a week, and everybody except Menderash would go into their different morphs, mainly battle forms, and fight each other. It was used as practice and they tried to keep injuries to the minimum. Although if the fights did go a little too far, they could always demorph. In the five months they had been battling, Jake and Tobias had never faced each other in battle.

Still, even though they had some entertainment, nine months in space was far too long to be in confined quarters. Everyone was on edge, which resulted in tension between the  _ Rahcel’s  _ residents. Santorelli and Menderash weren’t on speaking terms after Menderash had gone on an hour-long rant about how much better the Andalite military was compared to human military. Jeanne was snappy at all the men on board after Santorelli made a period joke and Marco hit on her one too many times. 

Jake had become obsessed. He spent all his time with Menderash trying to map out their course and asking him to retell the capture a thousand times in case there was something he had missed. The story was always the same: They had been cruising along space trying to find the blade ship. Instead, they found polar bear hair in an unknown ship and Ax and his crew went in. They never came out. It became obvious to Tobias that the reason he hadn’t been invited to the mission was because it involved Rachel’s place of death.

Marco was restless, watching movies over and over again or dragging one of his friends into a silly game. He became louder and more obnoxious, making lame jokes that only he would laugh at. He was nastier, making the type of snide remarks he would only make after a tough battle during the war. Still, he never acted like their was anything wrong.

Tobias was worried sick about Ax. There had been no sign of him, and there might never be one. He terrified that Ax was dead or being tortured. He was terrified that they would never see him again. Lately, he would split off from the group and hang out on his make-shift perch and think, although Marco would call it moping. No one would bother him then. Except Marco, of course.

Since Jake was ignoring everyone, Tobias had become Marco’s go-to person. Most of the time, Tobias would humor him. He’d watch a movie with him or play a game or join in on a prank on one of the others or on some scheme to get them out of training. A lot of the time, it was also fun.

Other times, however, Marco would get on his nerves. He might still agree to do whatever Marco wanted to get him to shut up, or because he knew that being intolerable was Marco’s way of coping with the situation. Every time he was reminded of the weeks Marco was living out in the woods with him and Ax after they rescued his mother. They spent hours killing time together, bickering and hanging out. Except this time, Ax wasn’t around.

So on the fourth day of the tenth month on board the  _ Rachel _ , Marco convinced a reluctant Tobias to watch a movie with him, one they had watched about ten times. It was obvious that neither of them really wanted to. But it was also obvious that if Tobias left Marco alone to do nothing, he’d lose his sanity.

“Kind of a rip off of  _ Beauty and the Beast _ , don’t you think?” Marco asked. “Minus the Stockholm Syndrome.”

Tobias snorted. “Or the kidnapped dad. Or the talking furniture. Or the angry- well, I guess there were angry villagers. But still, it’s nothing like  _ Beauty and the Beast _ .”

“It has true love’s kiss, though.”

“Every fairytale movie has a true love’s kiss.”

“I don’t think I’d consider  _ Shrek _ , a fairy tale.” Marco stayed silent as Fiona was lifted into the air and turned into an ogre. “Did you and Rachel ever do that? Reverse version of course. She’d kiss your feathered head or something and then you morphed to human.  _ Princess and the Frog _ style.  _ Beauty and the Beast _ style. Because if not, that’s totally a lost opportunity.”

They had, but Tobias would never admit to it. And even though he didn’t really feel like starting a conversation, he couldn’t resist saying: “Aw, I didn’t know you thought of me as a prince.”

Marco grinned. “Yeah, and I’m still waiting for my true love’s kiss.”

Tobias rolled his eyes. “What if you turn into an ogre like Fiona did?”

“Bird, human, andalite, prince, and now you’re an ogre too?”

Tobias simply nodded and turned to the TV to watch the end of the movie. He wanted to get out of there as soon as he could. Marco could be fun, but only in short doses. And lately they had been spending way too much time together. Tobias missed being on his own on an open field. He couldn’t get that on a cramped ship with five other people, but he could certainly try. His perch was a start, at least. Hawks weren’t much for confined spaces.

As Tobias stood up to leave when the movie was over, Marco said without looking at him, “You know, you kind of do remind me of Shrek. Moody and grumpy.” 

Tobias knew that Marco was just teasing him. Still, he let annoyance slip into his voice when he responded with: “Yeah, well. I’m a hawk in a confined space on a suicide mission to save my best friend.”

Marco ignored Tobias’ annoyance, and he said, “Shrek’s lonely, too. Just like you.”

“Something wrong with that?” Tobias asked in a challenging tone. He knew a movie was a stupid thing to argue over. He knew Marco was probably just trying to pick a fight for his own entertainment.

Marco shrugged, and turned back to TV. He had turned it off sometime during their interaction. “Everyone has their own way of coping, I guess.”

Tobias scoffed. “Like your way of coping is better?”

Marco gave him a smirk. “Sure it is.”

“Really?” Tobias asked, in a mocking tone. “Not caring? Annoying the hell out of people and dragging them down with you? That’s better?”

Something about Tobias’ response seemed to put Marco off. His smirk was wiped off his face. Marco stood up to face him.  “Do you seriously think that you don’t drag people down when you go off on your own? Are you that stupid?” Although his voice was low, it shook with anger. Marco usually didn’t lose his cool easily, and Tobias knew that. He knew the confinement was just getting to Marco. But it was also getting to Tobias.

“At least I’m not an asshole to everyone around me,” Tobias stated flatly.

Marco gave a short, mirthless laugh. “Yes, you are. I told you that before, and I will say it again. You are an asshole. You think your way of handling things is so much better, yet you didn’t care who you hurt when you left. You didn’t care that you left your mother alone, or that Ax missed you, or that Jake was overcome with guilt.” Marco’s voice slowly began to rise. “You are not the only one who was hurt by the war, you know. You are not the only one who had it rough afterwards. And just because you are the only one who mopes all the damn time, doesn’t mean you are not the only one who is suffering now. So get off your high-horse and stop being so full of yourself.” 

Tobias  knew it was true, but he was too riled up to tell Marco that. Instead, he remained quiet. By now, Menderash and Jake had come into the TV room to see what was wrong. 

Marco’s voice lowered. “Ax is my friend, too. It hurts me, too. So don’t you ever tell me that I don’t care.”

Tobias wasn’t sure how to respond. He hadn’t meant to say that Marco didn’t care about Ax. But he was still furious, A part of him wanted to deck Marco. Another part wanted to apologize. Instead, he said, “I need to demorph” and brushed past Jake on his way out.

…..

Jake showed up at Tobias’s quarters in the middle of the night. Or what would have been the middle of the night back in California if they weren’t surrounded by the darkness of space. During the first few weeks, everyone had been in awe of the beauty of outer space, but the novelty wore off over time. Now, everyone was sick of the sight.

Tobias ignored the knock on the door at first, thinking it was Marco. When Jake asked to be let in, Tobias said, ((It’s locked.))

“Yeah, I can see that.” Jake’s muffled voice came from the other side of the door. “Would you mind getting it?”

((I have to morph.)) The  _ Rachel  _ had been altered by the andalites, and the separate quarters accommodated humans. Therefore, they had used human hand scanners for security. Now every time Tobias wanted to lock or unlock his door, he had to use his human morph. It was annoying, but he had gotten used to it.

“I can wait,” Jake replied.

With a mental sigh, Tobias flew down from his makeshift perch made out of metal scraps from the ship and onto the bed. Less than a minute later, he opened the door and signaled for Jake to come inside.

“What’s up?” Tobias asked, plopping onto the bed.

“You should talk to Marco,” Jake said, getting right to the point.

Tobias groaned. “You know, just ‘cause you’re the leader doesn’t mean you get to boss me around.”

Jake grinned, and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Yeah, actually, that’s exactly what it means.”

“Not outside of battle,” Tobias replied.

Since the day Jake told Tobias about the mission to save Ax, there had been an unspoken agreement between the two of them to be civil for Ax’s sake. They rarely interacted with each other on their own, but they were still a team. They weren’t friends. Jake still wasn’t forgiven. But Tobias would follow his lead without hesitation as long as Ax was saved.

“Why don’t  _ you  _ talk to him? You’re his best friend.”

“I’m not the one he’s mad at,” Jake replied.

Tobias shrugged. “He’ll get over it. He’s probably not even mad anymore,” he said as he laid back onto the bed. “This ship and the stress is just getting to him. It’s getting to all of us.” Then a thought hit him and he sat up suddenly and looked at Jake suspiciously. “But you probably already knew that, so why are you here? If this is not about Marco, then why are you here?”

Jake looked away, sheepishly. Then with a sigh, he turned back towards Tobias and said, “Look, we’re the only three original members on this ship. I don’t want you to hate us both.”

“Oh,” Tobias said, unsure how to respond. He thought he should be annoyed at Jake’s apparent concern, but he wasn’t. If anything, he was annoyed he had been woken up. 

“I don’t hate Marco,” he said. “I’m not even angry at him anymore, honestly.” A lot of what Marco has said was true. He made a mental note to apologize in the “morning”.

Jake gave him a look. “Then why did you lock yourself away for hours?”

“Because I’m a lonely ogre.” They both laughed at that, and didn’t say anything for a while. For the first time in years, they fell into comfortable silence.

Eventually Jake got up. Tobias thought he was going to leave, but instead, Jake lingered and examined the room as if there was something he wanted to talk about but couldn’t bring himself to say. It was the first time Jake had taken a good look at Tobias’s room. There wasn’t much. There was Tobias’s perch, a bed, and a drawer. That was it.

“This place is kind of barren,” he commented while staring at the white walls.

“If you can find me some paint, I’d be happy to fix it,” Tobias answered from his spot on the bed.

“That’s right,” Jake said, looking back at him.He smiled. “You were an artist.”

It was Marco who had told the rest of the Animorphs about Tobias’ hidden talent. They had both been in the same art class in the eighth grade. When Marco took up the elective again in the ninth grade, he would pay or bribe Tobias to do his art pieces for him. Tobias didn’t mind; it was a fun distraction. However, when one of the pieces was selected for an art competition, Jake ordered them to stop as to not arouse suspicion.

“Did you ever take it up again? After the war, I mean?” Jake added quickly. 

Tobias smirked, catching on to what Jake was doing, trying to see what he had been up to after the war. Tobias knew that he had been upset with Marco for not telling him about Tobias’s whereabouts. Jake was the only Animorph who’d had no contact with Tobias after Rachel’s death. 

“I didn’t,” he answered.

“Oh. Will you? When we get back?” Jake walked back to the bed and sat down next to Tobias this time, as if they were friends again. Strangely, Tobias found he didn’t mind it too much.

“I don’t think so,” he answered. 

“What will you do then? When we get back?” Jake asked, losing the bad subtlety and getting straight to the point.

“Assuming we live?”

“Assuming we live.”

What he wanted was to leave with Ax on his ship, but he knew that due to his current situation, that might not be a possibility anymore. He hated thinking of a future where Ax might not be around anymore. Still, he answered: “I’m going to buy Loren a wedding gift.”

“A little late, don’t you think?” Jake joked. Tobias shrugged. “I got the invitation. I wasn’t planning on going, though.”

“I was,” Tobias said.

“So, you got into contact with her then? With your mom?”

“No, um.” Tobias shifted uncomfortably. “The wedding was going to be the first time I saw her after… after everything.”

“Oh. I’m sorry you missed it.”

Tobias shrugged. “It’s alright. The Ax-man is more important.”

There was a moment of silence, and it seemed like Jake was struggling with his next question. “Tobias, what if…” He paused. “What if we don’t complete the mission? What will you do then?”

He didn’t answer for a few seconds, contemplating his response. What if they never found Ax? What if he was dead? And he knew what Jake was asking.  _ Are you going to disappear again? _

Tobias remembered the first few months after Rachel’s death and how horrible they had been. He knew they would have terrible even with his friends around, but he also remembered how great it felt when he finally allowed Ax to comfort him. He remembered the day at Ax’s scoop, laying on the couch and missing his friends so much it hurt. He remembered being able to laugh with Marco and Ket Helpak’s touching words. He remembered lashing out Ax because he hadn’t heard from him in over a year.

“I’m not,” he answered, quietly.

“What?”

“I’m not gonna go MIA again,” he said louder. “I learned my lesson.”

Jake smiled. “Well, that’s a relief.”

There was silence, and then Tobias said, “I’ve been reviewing high school material. I’m pretty much done.”

Jake gave him a weird look. “So, you’re going back to high school?”

“Oh, hell no.”

Jake laughed. “I didn’t think so. I guess you could always take the GED.”

“I guess.”

After a pause, Jake continued. “You know, I never actually went back to high school.”

Tobias shot him a questioning look. “Are you serious? But you teach in the military. You didn’t even finish the eleventh grade!”

“True, but I’m teaching morphing classes. Last I heard, that’s not part of the high school curriculum. Besides, the school did give me a diploma  in what would’ve been my graduation day.” Jake grinned at him. “I just never actually showed up to class.” He laughed as Tobias muttered something about the American education system.

There was a silence again. Tobias diverted his attention from Jake and to the wall. And then, without thinking, he said, “I read your book.”

“Oh.” Jake tried to play it off, but it was obvious he  had tensed up. “Well, that’s embarrassing.” 

Tobias rolled his eyes. “Then maybe you shouldn’t have published it for the whole world to see.”

“Maybe.” Pause. Jake tried to sound nonchalant, but some tension still made it to his voice. “What did you think?”

After much self-convincing, Tobias finally had the courage to read the book cover to cover without stopping a few weeks after buying it. It was painful, but it was interesting to see the war from another perspective. He was used to following Jake’s calls without question, but now he saw the reasoning behind them, even though he didn’t always agree with him. He had always known that Jake felt guilty for many of the decisions gone wrong, but it hurt to read it firsthand. Tobias was surprised that after reading certain sections, he felt sympathetic. 

Still, he also read the manipulation process that were behind many missions. He read Jake’s cold reasoning at sending Rachel after David and how he had used her love for Tobias to chase after his supposed killer. Tobias read how Jake had manipulated his loyalty to the team to get him to volunteer to be tortured. He always knew this, of course, but it was very different to hear Jake admitting to it. And in those instances, Tobias felt betrayed all over again.

Tobias still didn’t fully understand what had happened in the final battle. Jake’s final plan was flawed, but he still followed it as it fell apart. Tobias knew why Rachel had been chosen. He always knew why Rachel had been chosen. But he knew that even when he managed to forgive Jake, he would never agree with his verdict. But no matter how much he disagreed, nothing would ever change what had happened. “You can’t change the past,” Naomi had once told him. He knew that he had to move past it.

After a minute of silence, Tobias said, “I think it was a stupid, stupid decision that you made. I think you should have talked to us. I think you should have sent some backup with her. I think Rachel’s death could have been prevented.” Despite Tobias’s harsh words, there was no anger in his voice. 

He wasn’t facing Jake, but he could hear him let out a defeated sigh. He felt the bed begin to shift as he got up to leave. So, Tobias continued. “But.” Jake stopped. “I think the rest of us should have seen it coming, We should have seen that you were not equipped to lead anymore after what happened to your family. We should have never forced you to be our leader and then blamed you when you snapped under the pressure.”

Tobias turned to look at him, and admitted what he had known for a long time now. “I don’t hate you either, Jake.”

And it wasn’t forgiveness. Although the day would come, they both knew that it would take a lot of talking, a lot of anger, and a lot of pain. But it was a start.

Jake smiled. “Okay.”

And for now, it was enough.


End file.
